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In a move to quell growing fears after the Trump administration has been found unresponsive, President Trump today unveiled his nation-wide chain of Trump branded Be Better hospitals. Holding a press conference in the lobby of the flagship branch on the grounds of his Mar-a-Lago golf resort, Trump was quick to tout his facility. “You can’t spell hospitality without hospital, and I know all about hospitality. What I’ve built here is the most beautiful and exclusive recovery club in the world. There are other hospitals… Johns Hopkins, I guess, is a highly respected great place. But we’re better.

“We’re better than Yale. We’re better than Mass General. We’re better than that Mayonnaise Clinic, although they make a great condiment. We’re doing a tremendous job,” Trump boasted. Pressed to elaborate, Trump stated, “Look at our statistics. All those other hospitals… the supposedly top hospitals?… They have sick people in them. We have no sick people. That’s a one hundred percent perfect record.”

Asked how the Be Better hospital chain is responding to the coronavirus specifically, Trump acknowledged, “We’re working on vaccines. Two…maybe more. Probably you’re going to see more. And we’re very close. Really very close. I have magnificent experts working on it…very smart people…and they expect to have an NYSE-20 vaccine and an NASDAQ-20 vaccine ready in a day or two. When we inject these into the market, the results are going to be tremendous. You’re going to see a resurgence of health like never before in history.”

Trump then led reporters out of the lobby and down a gilded corridor lined with portraits of himself, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, and Mike Pence sporting slimming, plush velour scrubs emblazoned with the Mar-a-Lago crests to the cafeteria. “We have a tremendous restaurant,” Trump said, ushering the group in. “With a fantastic menu. Pizza, hamburgers, cheeseburgers, tater tots, fries, smiley fries, heart-shaped fries. Those last ones are actually very good for your heart. Very healthy. You feel better just hearing that menu.”

While the group ate, the president bragged about the staff he’d appointed. “We have wonderful doctors, great doctors. Each one’s a prodigy. If they’d gone to medical school, they’d all have been number one in their class. Perfect scores all the way through. But who says a doctor needs to go to med school? School’s overrated, right? I got elected without knowing anything about politics or diplomacy or the military or the law or…what else are presidents supposed to know about? Well, it doesn’t matter,” Trump asserted. “There’s a lot you don’t need to know.”

“Our doctors, though… We have very stringent requirements. We make sure they’ve watched every episode of Dr. Welby M.D., Medical Center, General Hospital, and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. That’s seventy-seven seasons of medical training right there. How many years do other doctors spend in med school? Twelve, only? Fifteen, maybe? Tell me who’s better prepared. And remember those commercials a while back? ‘I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV?’ We’ve got those guys too. They’re beautiful. Beautiful people. If you wake up from being sick, you want to see a beautiful face. So we’ve got them.”

After lunch, Trump took reporters to the second floor where Ivanka lauded Be Better’s patient rooms. “Each one of our rooms is magnificently appointed with period pieces and are charmingly named as such,” she said, “including Swine, Spanish, and 1918. We also have bungalows appropriate for whole families and buildings that can accommodate entire communities should the need arise.”

While showing off a corner Bird Room, Ivanka noted the sky-blue fabrics, avian décor, expansive walk-in closet, marble bathroom with pedestal sink, and king bed. “As you can see,” Ivanka said, indicating a tablet on the end of the bed, “the patient’s portfol…um…chart is easily accessible to the patient’s advisor. Vital signs quotation monitors, stationed on the nightstand, run from 8:00 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. to alert you and our highly trained staff to any fluctuations that may adversely affect your lifestyle.”

Pointing out the sixty-five-inch television on the wall, president Trump added, “And to assure people they’re in the best hands possible, we show only Touched by an Angel. A fabulous show…a terrific show that proves one day like a miracle this whole thing will disappear. And when it does, if you’re looking a little pasty…a little pale…from the whole experience, we’re pioneering…we’re the only people in the world doing this and it’s going to make you look as good as your president…we can give you a tan transplant. Another miracle. I think it’s right to say that my administration… that we’re all a little touched here.”

Wrapping up the tour, Trump reiterated, “We’re very excited about our Be Better hospitals. You’ve seen what I can do to one Constitution. Now I’m ready to take care of yours.”