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Wit Love, Kath

~ My love letters about the funny side of life

Wit Love, Kath

Category Archives: Health

Couldn’t Be Better?

01 Sunday Mar 2020

Posted by Kath Carroll in Health, Humor, News, Politics, Satire

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Current Events Humor, Healthcare Humor, In the News, Political Satire, satire

Blurred abstract background interior view looking out toward to

Background photo created by topntp26 – www.freepik.com

In a move to quell growing fears after the Trump administration has been found unresponsive, President Trump today unveiled his nation-wide chain of Trump branded Be Better hospitals. Holding a press conference in the lobby of the flagship branch on the grounds of his Mar-a-Lago golf resort, Trump was quick to tout his facility. “You can’t spell hospitality without hospital, and I know all about hospitality. What I’ve built here is the most beautiful and exclusive recovery club in the world. There are other hospitals… Johns Hopkins, I guess, is a highly respected great place. But we’re better.

“We’re better than Yale. We’re better than Mass General. We’re better than that Mayonnaise Clinic, although they make a great condiment. We’re doing a tremendous job,” Trump boasted. Pressed to elaborate, Trump stated, “Look at our statistics. All those other hospitals… the supposedly top hospitals?… They have sick people in them. We have no sick people. That’s a one hundred percent perfect record.”

Asked how the Be Better hospital chain is responding to the coronavirus specifically, Trump acknowledged, “We’re working on vaccines. Two…maybe more. Probably you’re going to see more. And we’re very close. Really very close. I have magnificent experts working on it…very smart people…and they expect to have an NYSE-20 vaccine and an NASDAQ-20 vaccine ready in a day or two. When we inject these into the market, the results are going to be tremendous. You’re going to see a resurgence of health like never before in history.”

Trump then led reporters out of the lobby and down a gilded corridor lined with portraits of himself, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, and Mike Pence sporting slimming, plush velour scrubs emblazoned with the Mar-a-Lago crests to the cafeteria. “We have a tremendous restaurant,” Trump said, ushering the group in. “With a fantastic menu. Pizza, hamburgers, cheeseburgers, tater tots, fries, smiley fries, heart-shaped fries. Those last ones are actually very good for your heart. Very healthy. You feel better just hearing that menu.”

While the group ate, the president bragged about the staff he’d appointed. “We have wonderful doctors, great doctors. Each one’s a prodigy. If they’d gone to medical school, they’d all have been number one in their class. Perfect scores all the way through. But who says a doctor needs to go to med school? School’s overrated, right? I got elected without knowing anything about politics or diplomacy or the military or the law or…what else are presidents supposed to know about? Well, it doesn’t matter,” Trump asserted. “There’s a lot you don’t need to know.”

“Our doctors, though… We have very stringent requirements. We make sure they’ve watched every episode of Dr. Welby M.D., Medical Center, General Hospital, and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. That’s seventy-seven seasons of medical training right there. How many years do other doctors spend in med school? Twelve, only? Fifteen, maybe? Tell me who’s better prepared. And remember those commercials a while back? ‘I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV?’ We’ve got those guys too. They’re beautiful. Beautiful people. If you wake up from being sick, you want to see a beautiful face. So we’ve got them.”

After lunch, Trump took reporters to the second floor where Ivanka lauded Be Better’s patient rooms. “Each one of our rooms is magnificently appointed with period pieces and are charmingly named as such,” she said, “including Swine, Spanish, and 1918. We also have bungalows appropriate for whole families and buildings that can accommodate entire communities should the need arise.”

While showing off a corner Bird Room, Ivanka noted the sky-blue fabrics, avian décor, expansive walk-in closet, marble bathroom with pedestal sink, and king bed. “As you can see,” Ivanka said, indicating a tablet on the end of the bed, “the patient’s portfol…um…chart is easily accessible to the patient’s advisor. Vital signs quotation monitors, stationed on the nightstand, run from 8:00 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. to alert you and our highly trained staff to any fluctuations that may adversely affect your lifestyle.”

Pointing out the sixty-five-inch television on the wall, president Trump added, “And to assure people they’re in the best hands possible, we show only Touched by an Angel. A fabulous show…a terrific show that proves one day like a miracle this whole thing will disappear. And when it does, if you’re looking a little pasty…a little pale…from the whole experience, we’re pioneering…we’re the only people in the world doing this and it’s going to make you look as good as your president…we can give you a tan transplant. Another miracle. I think it’s right to say that my administration… that we’re all a little touched here.”

Wrapping up the tour, Trump reiterated, “We’re very excited about our Be Better hospitals. You’ve seen what I can do to one Constitution. Now I’m ready to take care of yours.”

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Selfie Tips for the Accident Prone

11 Saturday Jul 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Books, Health, Humor, Parodies, Photography, Pop Culture, Technology, Travel

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Dr. Seuss, Green Eggs and Ham, humor, Parody, photography, Russian Safe Selfie guide, safe selfies, satire, selfies

It seems that selfies are on the defensive these days. Selfie sticks have been banned at Disney World parks, major museums, Lollapalooza, the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona (wouldn’t it be embarrassing to be gored by a selfie stick instead of a bull?) and many world landmarks. Now the Russian Interior Ministry has published a Safe Selfies guide after hundreds have been injured and dozens killed while attempting to get the perfect pic.

In one recent incident a woman shot herself in the head while posing with a gun. (Can you pat your head and rub your tummy? If not, don’t try this! Which hand is for the camera and which for the trigger again?) In June a young man was injured when he brought down a statue of Vladimir Lenin while capturing a special moment. Viva la Revolution! (Or Russian words to that effect. Who knew the solution was so simple?)

In addition to the Kremlin’s campaign, a group named For Security wants the Education and Science Ministry to add a Safe Selfie curriculum to Russian schools. Lessons would be taught by police, psychologists, and professional photographers. Other real victims’ stories suggest they should get some medical professionals (“If you blow your hand off with a grenade, use this tourniquet.”) and wild animal specialists (“When posing with a snake, ensure it’s not poisonous—beforehand.”) involved as well.

Of course, America has its own safety-challenged photographers. Perhaps we should also rethink our classrooms and introduce STEM: Selfie Techniques to Eliminate Mishaps. We do not want to fall behind our comrades in these important skills.

But how about our littlest photographers? How will we keep them safe? Maybe this reworking of a beloved classic, with the aid of the Russian guide, will help. (Thanks and apologies to Dr. Seuss.)

A Selfie Ham

WitLoveKath - Selfies - I am Sam

 

I am Sam.

A selfie ham.

 

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - reading II

 

That Sam-I-am!

That Sam-I-am!

I just don’t get

That Sam-I-am!

I’d never be a selfie ham.

 

 

Can I take one

WitLoveKath - Selfies - Washington Monument

 

here?

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - snake

 

 

Or there?

 

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - Dr. Seuss holding hand up

 

You should not take one

Here or there.

You should not take one anywhere.

You should not be a selfie ham.

You should not be one Sam-I-am.

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - on a house

 

Can I take one on a house?

Can I take one with a mouse?

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - houseWitLoveKath - Selfies - animals

 

Not on a house.

Not with a mouse.

Do not take one here or there

Do not take one anywhere.

Do not be a selfie ham

Do not be one, Sam-I-am.

 

 

Can I? Should I?

With a gun?

I will! I’ll take it!

I’ll have fun!

Hey! You may like it.

Show some flair!

Let us take one on the stairs!

WitLoveKath - Selfies - stairs

 

We should not, cannot on the stairs!

WitLoveKath - Selfies - gun

 

Or with a gun! Don’t take dares!

You should not be a selfie ham.

You should not be one, Sam-I-am.

WitLoveKath - Selfies - train DS

 

 

A train! A train! A train! A train!

Can I, should I on a train?

WitLoveKath - Selfies - on a train

 

 

 

Not on a train! Not on the stairs!

Not with a gun! Sam, no one cares!

 

Say! On a tower? A power tower?

Can I, should I on a tower?

Should I, can I on a cliff?

WitLoveKath - Selfies - cliff Russian

 

You should not, cannot on a cliff

WitLoveKath - Selfies - electical tower

 

 

 

Not on a tower. Not on a train.

Not on the stairs. Not with a gun.

You should not take them, Sam. Not one!

WitLoveKath - Selfies - goat

 

 

Can I, can I with a goat?

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - boat Dr. Seuss

 

Should I, could I on a boat?

 

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - boatYou should not, could not on a boat.

You should not be a selfie ham.

You should not be one Sam-I-am.

 

You do not like them so you say.

Take one! Take one! And you may.

Take one and you may, I say.

WitLoveKath - Selfies - let me be

 

 

Sam! If you will let me be, I will take one. You will see.

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - I like itSay!

I like to be a selfie ham!

I do! I like it, Sam-I-am!

But I will take one in a floatie

And I will take one with a goatee.

I will take one in my bed.

And one that will not leave me dead.

I will take one in a train

And clear Amtrak of any blame.

I will hold de-clawed kittens,

But only if I’m wearing mittens.

And I will pose in bubble wrap,

But leave an eye and breathing flap.

I will take them here and there.

But never once just anywhere.

I so like being a selfie ham!

With proper precautions,

Sam-I-am.

*All images of Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss courtesy of seuss.wikia.com

**All images of Russian Safe Selfie Guide courtesy of Ministry of Internal Affairs RF

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Just Checking Out

04 Saturday Jul 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Health, Humor, Inspiration, Pop Culture, Random Thoughts

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

body image, exercise, fitness, humor, pop culture, Women's Health

I love standing in the checkout lane at Stop & Shop for so many reasons. Here’s this week’s:

WitLoveKath - Just Checking Out I

As if you have a choice. As if you can open your closet and say, “Well, hmmm…What’s it going to be today? The stylish butt I got on sale last week?—oh, but I don’t have shoes to go with that one. My jeans butt?—I don’t know…I always choose that one. Oh My Gosh! I can’t believe this butt is still in here!—I wonder if it still fits!? I really just feel like my baggy butt today. Oh shoot, I have that meeting this morning. I guess it better be my best butt.”

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It’s a trip going to the ER

23 Saturday May 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Health, Random Thoughts, Travel

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

doctor, emergency room, health, healthcare, hospital, humor, nurse

Yesterday I woke up to the phone ringing. It was my mother telling me she’d hurt her back opening a window.  The shocking thing about this was not so much the injury as the fact that she felt so hot she wanted the window open. Usually she wears a sweater and a thermal undershirt in 90 degree weather. Perhaps it’s a testament to our frigid winter that 70 degrees now seems sweltering to her.

Our local emergency room looks like a fine hotel. "Which way to the pool?"

Our local emergency room looks like a fine hotel. “Which way to the pool?”

So I met my mom at the ER, which really should be short for Eerie Reality. Anyone who’s spent time in an ER knows what I mean. Over the years, I’ve traveled to this alternate realm several times, so the environment is not as formidable as it once was. Experience and training have prepared me for these vagaries of the ER:

1. The Time Warp

Whooshing through the doors of the ER is like entering a portal to wonky time. First comes the period of painful (pun intended) slow motion, which begins the moment you enter the registration line. It doesn’t matter if you have a Monty Pythonesque flesh wound (like the poor older man I stepped aside for yesterday) or about to deliver a baby (who turns out to be a girl and is named Jenny) right in the waiting room, the staff pecks unhurriedly at the computer as if they’ve never seen a keyboard before.

If you’re not “in their system,” they usher you into a secluded office for the Insurance Assurance Process, during which the hospital assures itself you have insurance. Here a hushed negotiation takes place—similar to buying a new Mercedes or diamonds at Tiffany’s, either of which would be much, much less expensive.

I’ll spare you the agonizing layover in the waiting room, where the monotonous drone of the ceiling TV destroys whatever sense of passing time you have left, and the Pandora’s Box of actually getting a “room” (Hope, really is the worst evil) and meander along to when time mysteriously accelerates: Discharge. As soon as the discharge papers are signed, the bed rails collapse, the wheelchair appears out of nowhere, and you’re whisked out to your car. My mom never even changed out of the hospital gown.

2. The Neighboring Patients

Our healthcare treatments are evolving in amazing ways. Not only are doctors using immunotherapy, in which your own body’s natural defenses heal you, they are employing psychotherapy in new and inventive ways.  The placebo effect is well known, but have you heard of the neighboring patient effect? Those flimsy curtain dividers between ER “rooms” are no mistake.

This may look like a normal room, but it is actually the cutting edge of treatment.

This may look like a normal room, but it is actually at the cutting edge of treatment. Image courtesy of Kona Community Hospital.

To aid the healing process (or at least the discharge rate), patients with diseases or conditions much worse than yours are placed on either side of your cubicle. Then the nurses conduct long interviews you can’t help but overhear. The psychology of comparison goes to work, and you soon begin to feel a lot better, even wondering why you came into the hospital in the first place. I mean, what would you rather suffer from: a bad back or a disastrous gastric bypass operation that has resulted in a recurring fungal infection, tinnitus, memory loss, the inability to eat, and chronic pain? I rest my case.

3. The Doctor’s Bedside Manner

If you have not voluntarily fled the ER after a few hours, a doctor—or so says the stitching on the polo shirt, which has apparently replaced hospital scrubs and would double as golf attire (and my teachers always told me to avoid stereotypes…)—sidles up to your bed. You may be flat out, your eyes squinted shut, your face pinched with pain, but the doctor says in a jaunty voice, “So, how are you feeling?”

My mother was a nurse-anesthetist back when it was unusual for women to hold such positions and she knows the score, yet she always plays along. I could almost see her eyes rolling under her closed lids before she answered craftily, “Well…” and began to tell the story of her injury almost from the day she was born until she tried to open the window that morning. Booyah! The Time Warp back atchya!

The doctor went away, eyes glazed over. I’m thinking he took advantage of Psychotherapy himself and talked to the doctor treating my mother’s neighbor, because when he came back he looked as if he was feeling better and was again sporting the jaunty smile.  He diagnosed a compression fracture of two vertebra and prescribed pain medication and a hospital bed for her room at home. Then with the speed of the TARDIS zipping from one dimension to another, he was gone and we were on the road home.

In the blink of an eye, you're leaving Eerie Reality and heading home.

In the blink of an eye, you’re leaving Eerie Reality and heading home. Image courtesy of the BBC.

All in all the trip to Eerie Reality was everything one could expect. My mom even has the hospital gown as a souvenir!

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