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Wit Love, Kath

~ My love letters about the funny side of life

Wit Love, Kath

Category Archives: Random Thoughts

Free as a…(designer) bag?

24 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by Kath Carroll in Humor, Random Thoughts, Shopping

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

comedy, designer bags, humor, humour, Nordstrom, Nordstrom winter sale, Shopping

 

WitLoveKath = Nordstrom bag (3)

Sometimes you meet someone who forces you to rethink everything you’ve ever known. And so it was as my daughter Jenny and I strolled through Nordstrom recently. Our toes had just broken the invisible threshold between sunglasses and bags when a chirping sales associate swooped in on Jenny. Within nanoseconds, and using some kind of spooky designer sixth sense, she had become aware of Jenny’s Rebecca Minkoff bag and saw a commission in her grasp. But Jenny’s light-blue leather beauty is the only truly extravagant accessory we’ve ever invested in. It was a special 17th birthday present, and was only bought after much mall-walking and agonizing on Jenny’s part and following the advice of two fabulous and funny guys who convinced her she couldn’t go wrong—and they were right! But it was a one-time thing, and more valued because of it.

As we made our way to the Winter Sale table, the sales associate fluttered after Jenny like the bluebirds around Cinderella (only much less helpful): “Hi, how are you today? Are you looking for a bag? Do you have something special in mind?” Jenny tried to lose her with a slip around a display rack, but the woman simply doubled back and resumed her attack. “We have some lovely bags…”

“We’re just looking,” I said, trying to draw her off. But she was no seagull distracted by my stale crust of bread. In the same moment that she’d registered Jenny’s bag, she had taken full measure of my $10 Target purse and now bestowed upon me the Withering Smirk of …Seriously?. It was just enough time, however, for Jenny to skirt around the table to a rack of hanging bags.

And it was here, as Jenny lightly fingered a taupe leather shoulder bag, that the revelation took place. “Isn’t that beautiful?” the saleswoman twittered. “Now it’s only one hundred and fifty dollars. It’s practically free! You just have to do it!”

In what universe is $150 free? I wondered, followed closely by, how much does Nordstrom pay its employees, anyway?  I know there are plenty of people who would agree with this sales associate’s so called bargain, but I wasn’t sold.

We headed toward territory I knew the woman wouldn’t tread—the “Final Few” rack, where $60 wallets-on-chain-straps hung forlornly. Watching the woman’s grin fade, Jenny and I knew we’d made our escape.

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In the garden of life…

17 Monday Aug 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Gardening, Inspiration, Nature, Plants, Random Thoughts

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garden, gardening, Inspiration, nature, personal growth, plants, plants growing through obstacles

When life puts obstacles in your way,

WitLoveKath - Hole in leaf I

grow through them.

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In the egg carton of life…

21 Tuesday Jul 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Baking, Food, Humor, Inspiration, Pop Culture, Random Thoughts, Travel

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eggs, humor, inclusiveness, life, musings, small world, world map

…it really is a small world after all.
WitLoveKath - Egg Carton of Life - small world IIWitLoveKath - Egg Carton of Life - small world IV II

 

 

 

 

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Just Checking Out

04 Saturday Jul 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Health, Humor, Inspiration, Pop Culture, Random Thoughts

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

body image, exercise, fitness, humor, pop culture, Women's Health

I love standing in the checkout lane at Stop & Shop for so many reasons. Here’s this week’s:

WitLoveKath - Just Checking Out I

As if you have a choice. As if you can open your closet and say, “Well, hmmm…What’s it going to be today? The stylish butt I got on sale last week?—oh, but I don’t have shoes to go with that one. My jeans butt?—I don’t know…I always choose that one. Oh My Gosh! I can’t believe this butt is still in here!—I wonder if it still fits!? I really just feel like my baggy butt today. Oh shoot, I have that meeting this morning. I guess it better be my best butt.”

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The Examined Life

26 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Children, Humor, Inspiration, Random Thoughts, School, The Formative Years

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Tags

examinations, humor, report cards, school pictures, Socrates, tests

Socrates famously stated that the unexamined life is not worth living for a human. Dogs, koala bears, snails, and other such creatures get a free pass, which explains a lot about why they always seem so happy—or at least nonchalant: Do I want to roll around in this mud puddle? Yes! Should I? Yes! Will I? Yes!

I was reminded of the great philosopher’s wise words recently when I delved into a yellowed Banana Republic bag full of my past that my mother has kept in her attic all this time. There, nestled within two bulging manila folders, was 16 years worth of scrutiny—all of my report cards going back to preschool; the results of IQ tests and Achievement Tests taken every two years throughout elementary school; my SAT scores; dance class evaluations, girl scout records, and—most horrific of all—every class picture from age 4 to 18. Yes, all the discomfort one could want (to escape) in one tidy package.

As I thumbed through all the numbers, letters, pictures, and brief comments that summed up my youth without actually adding up to it, I realized that reviewing  this kind of material takes a certain dogness or koala bearness of mind:

Do I want to be able to look at the picture of myself in that dress with the 1600s Pilgrim collar without cringing? Yes! Can I? No! Did you want the popular pixie hair cut in 7th grade? Yes! Should you have gotten it? No! Can you look at that school picture without wanting to run for the matches? No!

Well, I guess it takes some work to achieve true dogness. I’m determined to reach that plateau, though, so as part of my ongoing journey, I’ve decided to let go and let You:

My Pre-kindergarten class picture

This is where it all began. What emotions are in my face? ( ). Are those Rorschach tests behind us? Or early prototypes for the Orphan Black logo?

This is where it all began.

On the bulletin board behind us are these paint blots. Are they Rorschach tests? Or early prototypes for the Orphan Black logo?

On the bulletin board behind the class are these paint blots. Are they Rorschach tests? Or early prototypes for the Orphan Black logo?

My Kindergarten report card

WitLoveKath - Examined Life - kindergarten report card jen's version II

WitLoveKath - Examined Life - kindergarten report card jen's version I

Here are all the skills that were to set me on the right road in life. Did I learn them? My report is a bit contradictory. Under comments I “measure up in every way.” But the report of my readiness test states that I am “Apparently very well equipped for first grade work.” “Apparently?” All I can say is that I still paste neatly and I try.

Here are all the skills that were to set me on the right road in life. Did I learn them? My report is a bit contradictory. Under comments I “measure up in every way.” But the report of my readiness test states that I am “Apparently very well equipped for first grade work.” “Apparently?” All I can say is that I still paste neatly and I try.

Stop the Presses! The Hollywood Sun-Tattler, page 8

My one shot at fame and they spelled my name wrong. And if I didn’t know that Photoshop was a few years off, I’d say my head was simply placed on some other girl’s body.

My one shot at fame and they spelled my name wrong. If I didn’t know the technology was a few years off, I’d say my head was Photoshopped onto some other girl’s body. The picture’s caption offers its own interpretation of our faces, but I think my expression forecast a hope that I was waiting to get a neck.

My 5th Grade school picture

A perm was the answer for a little girl with stick-straight hair. And what’s up (unfortunately way up) with my bangs?

A perm was the answer for a little girl with stick-straight hair. And what’s up (unfortunately way up) with my bangs?

I’d rather sit it out, thanks

Damned with faint praise. I was not a natural tapper—couldn’t snap my head on a spin to save my life—and this progress report from Ron Daniel’s Academy of Dance seems to politely bear that out. I may have improved 100% week to week, but, really, 100% of awkward is still awkward. I was also struck by the use of the universal male pronoun in the letter to the parents. As far as I remember, there were never any boys in our classes.

I was not a natural tapper—couldn’t snap my head on a spin to save my life—and this progress report from Ron Daniel’s Academy of Dance seems to politely bear that out. I may have improved 100% week to week, but, really, 100% of awkward is still awkward.
I was also struck by the use of the universal male pronoun in the letter to the parents. As far as I remember, there were never any boys in our classes.

?????

I never, ever remember being on any sports team. I was a strong server in volleyball at recess. Was I on some team? And despite my height, I was good at nabbing passed basketballs out of the air. Could I have been on a basketball team? Or was this award for excellence in holding a ball once, or for superior watching of a game? The world will never know.

I never, ever remember being on any sports team. At recess I was a strong volleyball server and, despite my height, was good at nabbing basketballs out of the air. Could I have been on some team? The world will never know.

Now here’s a sport I was good at—but a roller skating proficiency award? Now that I think back, I do vaguely remember demonstrating my skills in a darkened rink with reality-distorting lighting and mind-bending music (Delta Dawn – Helen Reddy and Bad Bad Leroy Brown – Jim Croce just to name two.)  Examiner: “skate forward…Now, skate backward. You’re proficient!”

Now here’s a sport I was good at—but a roller skating proficiency award? Now that I think back, I do vaguely remember demonstrating my skills in a darkened rink with reality-distorting lighting and mind-bending music (Delta Dawn – Helen Reddy and Bad Bad Leroy Brown – Jim Croce to name just two.)
Examiner: “Skate forward…Now, skate backward. You’re proficient!”

One of my High School Report Cards

Isn’t all math anal? Oh, wait…that was Analytical Geometry! While I’ve never used the math I learned in that class, I do remember Mr. Gulla making it fun by dancing around and singing, “Sine sine cosine sine” and “Cosine cosine sine sine.” He also answered complainers with a pithy, “Do you see me wearing a “life is fair” button?” Now, those lessons I have often used. This report card also includes my beloved Modern European History class with Mr. Wilson for which I won the annual award. Now, that was an award I worked for and remember.

Isn’t all math anal? Oh, wait…that was Analytical Geometry! While I’ve never used the math I learned in that class, I do remember Mr. Gulla making it fun by dancing around and singing, “Sine sine cosine sine” and “Cosine cosine sine sine.” He also answered complainers with a pithy, “Am I wearing a ‘life is fair’ button?” Now, those lessons I have often used. This report card also includes my beloved Modern European History class with Mr. Wilson for which I won the annual award. Now, that was an award I worked for and remember.

The Numbers Game

A smattering of numbers comparing me to other kids. Who were these “other kids,” what were they really like, and do dogs and snails have to go through this?

A smattering of numbers comparing me to other kids. Who were these “other kids,” what were they really like, and do dogs and snails have to go through this?

A Breakthrough

After much laughter therapy, blasé meditation, and a kibble diet, I have reached a certain level of puppyness and am able to release this picture of me in the Pilgrim collar:

After much Laughter Therapy, Blasé Meditation, and a kibble diet, I have reached a certain level of puppyness and am able to release this picture of me in the Pilgrim collar.

But the pixie haircut? I’m afraid I’m still too human to post that.

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It’s a trip going to the ER

23 Saturday May 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Health, Random Thoughts, Travel

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Tags

doctor, emergency room, health, healthcare, hospital, humor, nurse

Yesterday I woke up to the phone ringing. It was my mother telling me she’d hurt her back opening a window.  The shocking thing about this was not so much the injury as the fact that she felt so hot she wanted the window open. Usually she wears a sweater and a thermal undershirt in 90 degree weather. Perhaps it’s a testament to our frigid winter that 70 degrees now seems sweltering to her.

Our local emergency room looks like a fine hotel. "Which way to the pool?"

Our local emergency room looks like a fine hotel. “Which way to the pool?”

So I met my mom at the ER, which really should be short for Eerie Reality. Anyone who’s spent time in an ER knows what I mean. Over the years, I’ve traveled to this alternate realm several times, so the environment is not as formidable as it once was. Experience and training have prepared me for these vagaries of the ER:

1. The Time Warp

Whooshing through the doors of the ER is like entering a portal to wonky time. First comes the period of painful (pun intended) slow motion, which begins the moment you enter the registration line. It doesn’t matter if you have a Monty Pythonesque flesh wound (like the poor older man I stepped aside for yesterday) or about to deliver a baby (who turns out to be a girl and is named Jenny) right in the waiting room, the staff pecks unhurriedly at the computer as if they’ve never seen a keyboard before.

If you’re not “in their system,” they usher you into a secluded office for the Insurance Assurance Process, during which the hospital assures itself you have insurance. Here a hushed negotiation takes place—similar to buying a new Mercedes or diamonds at Tiffany’s, either of which would be much, much less expensive.

I’ll spare you the agonizing layover in the waiting room, where the monotonous drone of the ceiling TV destroys whatever sense of passing time you have left, and the Pandora’s Box of actually getting a “room” (Hope, really is the worst evil) and meander along to when time mysteriously accelerates: Discharge. As soon as the discharge papers are signed, the bed rails collapse, the wheelchair appears out of nowhere, and you’re whisked out to your car. My mom never even changed out of the hospital gown.

2. The Neighboring Patients

Our healthcare treatments are evolving in amazing ways. Not only are doctors using immunotherapy, in which your own body’s natural defenses heal you, they are employing psychotherapy in new and inventive ways.  The placebo effect is well known, but have you heard of the neighboring patient effect? Those flimsy curtain dividers between ER “rooms” are no mistake.

This may look like a normal room, but it is actually the cutting edge of treatment.

This may look like a normal room, but it is actually at the cutting edge of treatment. Image courtesy of Kona Community Hospital.

To aid the healing process (or at least the discharge rate), patients with diseases or conditions much worse than yours are placed on either side of your cubicle. Then the nurses conduct long interviews you can’t help but overhear. The psychology of comparison goes to work, and you soon begin to feel a lot better, even wondering why you came into the hospital in the first place. I mean, what would you rather suffer from: a bad back or a disastrous gastric bypass operation that has resulted in a recurring fungal infection, tinnitus, memory loss, the inability to eat, and chronic pain? I rest my case.

3. The Doctor’s Bedside Manner

If you have not voluntarily fled the ER after a few hours, a doctor—or so says the stitching on the polo shirt, which has apparently replaced hospital scrubs and would double as golf attire (and my teachers always told me to avoid stereotypes…)—sidles up to your bed. You may be flat out, your eyes squinted shut, your face pinched with pain, but the doctor says in a jaunty voice, “So, how are you feeling?”

My mother was a nurse-anesthetist back when it was unusual for women to hold such positions and she knows the score, yet she always plays along. I could almost see her eyes rolling under her closed lids before she answered craftily, “Well…” and began to tell the story of her injury almost from the day she was born until she tried to open the window that morning. Booyah! The Time Warp back atchya!

The doctor went away, eyes glazed over. I’m thinking he took advantage of Psychotherapy himself and talked to the doctor treating my mother’s neighbor, because when he came back he looked as if he was feeling better and was again sporting the jaunty smile.  He diagnosed a compression fracture of two vertebra and prescribed pain medication and a hospital bed for her room at home. Then with the speed of the TARDIS zipping from one dimension to another, he was gone and we were on the road home.

In the blink of an eye, you're leaving Eerie Reality and heading home.

In the blink of an eye, you’re leaving Eerie Reality and heading home. Image courtesy of the BBC.

All in all the trip to Eerie Reality was everything one could expect. My mom even has the hospital gown as a souvenir!

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Sometimes…

12 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Art, Baking, Food, Inspiration, Random Thoughts, Shopping, Travel

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Tags

Advice, baking, eggs, humor, Inspiration, life, life lessons

Sometimes, in the egg carton of life you need a thick shell.

WitLoveKath - Egg Carton of Life IV

 

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Keep Calm and Stand In Line

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Holidays, Random Thoughts, Shopping

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

checkout lines, ear buds, holiday shopping, humor, Jennifer Aniston, patience, Shopping, Taylor Swift

Checkout lines are my nemesis, and like Professor Moriarty stalking Sherlock Holmes or Wile E. Coyote hunting Roadrunner, I never know in what dastardly way one is going to get me. Usually it’s the short, mild-mannered line that turns out to be my downfall.

I step into place expecting a quick exit only to be thwarted by someone staring off into space as the clerk rings up and bags the items and announces the total. The customer, taken completely unawares, shakes him or herself from their reverie and pulls out a checkbook (checks? Really? It’s 2014 for crying out loud!). S-l-o-w-l-y they write the date (“what day is it again?”), the store (“how do you spell Stop and Shop?”, the amount (“how much did you say it is?”), and finally they sign their name. Then they go through the whole routine again in their register. Fire Ants climbing my legs couldn’t make me any more twitchy than I am watching this performance.

WitLoveKath - Snippets - check

A close second might be customers who thrust into the cashier’s hand a soggy wad of coupons that need to be separated, flattened out, turned around, and scanned and which invariably contain several that don’t compute because they are for multiple items or are expired. Then ensues a negotiation worthy of Congress—that’s right, no go on either side. Or there’s a sluggish amble to the back of the store to pick up the missing items. Either way, time is wasting, people!

"Do you have any coupons?" "Here you go. You can figure out which ones I can use, right?"

“Do you have any coupons?”
“Here you go. You can figure out which ones I can use, right?”

And don’t even get me started about waiting on the phone listening to some ear-splitting “music” or a happy voice telling me everything the company can do for me except answer the phone. Why can’t someone devise a way for your phone to access your own playlist to enjoy while you wait? Shark Tank, anyone?

It’s only a couple of minutes, you might say. But a few minutes here and a few minutes there add up to—wait a minute while I dig my phone out of my purse and turn it on and access the calculator…oops that’s the flashlight…and plug in the numbers…darn, hit the wrong button…there that’s right…and get an answer—an eternity. Aaack! And I still have so much to do!

Before I completely go off the rails, though, I’m trying to learn to be more chill. One way I now do this in the checkout lane at Stop & Shop is to turn my attention away from other shoppers and toward the tabloid racks—and you know what I see? Jennifer Aniston. Every. Single. Week.  In Every. Single. Magazine. I’m not a huge Jennifer Aniston fan. I never understood the obsession with her hair, and as for Brad? He’s better off. Still, I am not without sympathy. This poor woman has been pregnant for 4 years straight—without ever giving birth. This story puts the old “My Baby Is an Alien” reports to shame. Or maybe….Nahhh. And what about her marriage already? If she and Justin are waiting for that baby to be born, they may as well forget it.

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen Pregnant VI

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jennifer Aniston Pregnant together II

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jennifer Aniston Pregnant together I

At least Mary had Joseph

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen Pregnant VII

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen and Justin II

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen and Justin III

These two appeared in the same week. So, ok, I give up. Which is it?

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen Pregnant V

We could only be so lucky, but I think In Touch and Ok! would go out of business.

We could only be so lucky, but I think In Touch and Ok! and Us Weekly would go out of business.

While I cool my heels, I also think about my next story or blog post. Sometimes, my brain contains only a bunch of fragments, which, like young children at recess, beg to get out but defy organization. Now, as the holidays approach, is just such a time. So I’m going to release a few of those snippets that jumped around in my mind like Santa’s reindeer from roof to roof as I idled at Target, Books-A-Million, and Michaels Arts and Crafts this week.

1. In August Taylor Swift released her video for “Shake it Off,” which created a big brouhaha with critics and online commentators. One day while tooling along the road to Target, Jenny and I were discussing the song and the video when an inverted skyscraper of a city bus entered traffic from a side street. As the bus loomed into my lane, I slammed on the brakes, experiencing the kind of terror Captain Ahab must have felt when Moby Dick thrashed his tiny whaleboat. At the last second—our vehicles side-by-side—the bus driver righted her leviathan into its own lane with military precision. I felt a little shaky. Not from the near-miss obliteration but from the knowledge that one of my last words on earth would have been “twerking.”

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Taylor Swift

2. Here is a jacket that Jenny ordered recently. How long do designers think an extra small petite woman’s arms are?

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen's Jacket

3. Speaking of petite: When will someone make ear buds with a cord short enough so they don’t catch on everything or become infuriatingly tangled the moment you put them down. I swear those things are alive. Shark Tank, anyone?

WitLoveKath - Snippets - cord II

WitLoveKath - Snippets - cord I

WitLoveKath - Snippets - cord III

4. I will leave you now with one more piece of evidence that the Thanksgiving holiday will one day be as extinct as T-rex: Auto correct on my iPhone capitalizes Black Friday but doesn’t recognize Thanksgiving.

 

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