• Home
  • About

Wit Love, Kath

~ My love letters about the funny side of life

Wit Love, Kath

Category Archives: Holidays

It’s for the Birds

30 Saturday May 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Animals, Gardening, Holidays, Nature, Seasons

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

baby birds, birds, Christmas, Christmas decorations, humor, nature, nesting, spring, spring cleaning, wreaths

I never thought I’d be one of those people. You know, the ones who leave their outdoor Christmas decorations up all year round so that when you drive by you wonder with a shudder what it looks like on the inside: Are there elves on all the shelves? Is an avalanche of Saint Nicks standing in perpetual jollity around every corner? Do tinderbox trees bowed with dusty ornaments dominate each room?

But this year, I am chagrined to say, I have joined their ranks. My Christmas wreath still hangs on my front door, and festive candy canes, packages, and snowmen continue to cling to the sliding-glass back door. This deplorable state of affairs is not entirely my fault, but the result of several unforeseen circumstances colliding with a couple of Connecticut quirks.

WitLoveKath - It's for the Birds - wreath better

First, Connecticut has an unofficially official wreath removal date of Valentine’s Day, when Cupid shoots arrows not of love but of intense cabin fever, which turns our thoughts toward spring with every tiny thaw. But this year the thaws never came. The chill of February turned into the frost of March, which became the pall of April. Heck, the trees never even sprouted leaves until the third week of May!

Second, no one in Connecticut uses their front door for anything but welcoming trick-or-treaters and—from late November to December 24—as a package drop. Even this last use is fading into oblivion as delivery people no longer have time for the long sprint from the driveway to the front door. Now, they carefully lean the package up against the garage door, where you are sure to…run over it when you back out of the garage. Seems a bit passive aggressive, no?

Since I’ve been preoccupied with other things lately, February then March then April came and went without my ever giving the front door a second thought. In fact, it was only a week or two ago that I walked through the foyer and saw a shadow darkening the frosted windows of our door. With a start of embarrassment, I realized this foreboding shape was not a salesman, a tract-carrying religious caller, a political canvasser, or even a cookie-selling girl scout, but my own bedraggled wreath.

Quickly, I swung the door opened and lifted my hand to unhook it. When I did, though, I brushed aside the still vibrant red bow and discovered:

I give this mom props for finding a clever hiding place for her nest.

I give this mom props for finding a clever hiding place for her nest.

So the wreath stays—even though it’s so brittle it might spontaneously burst into flame and its piney aroma is as concentrated as a room air freshener—until these little guys are out of the nest and on their own.

What about the clings on the back door?

WitLoveKath - It's for the Birds - christmas tree cling III

WitLoveKath - It's for the Birds - snowman and candy canes cling

If the door does not sport these Jello-like decorations, the starlings, preening and swooping through the air, knock themselves silly flying into what they perceive to be a safe haven or receptive friends—not unlike Kanye West imploding at the Grammy/Billboard Music/MTV Video Music/American Music Awards….This year, though, I missed buying the spring clings, so the holiday ones stay in place until the summer ones appear in the stores.

Maybe I have been neglectful this year, but to all those who judge, I say, “Bah Humbug!”

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

“Up To the Door”—A Modern Christmas Carol

20 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Holidays, Music, Parodies, Shopping

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Christmas, Christmas carol parody, Christmas shopping, holiday shopping, humor, packages stolen off porch, Up On the Housetop parody

                                                        Up To the Door                                                            (sung to the tune of Up On the Housetop)

Up to the door the driver springs.
Ding, dong, ding the doorbell rings
You’re not at home to take the package,
Leaving it ripe for old-school hackage.

Ho, ho, ho!
I run tiptoe.
Ho, ho, ho!
No one will know.
Up to the porch and,
Quick, quick, quick,
The presents you ordered
Have just been nicked.

First…Hey!…An iPhone for little Nell,
Or on Ebay it could sell.
With all that money I’d be rich—
Could gorge on champagne and a cheese sandwich.

Chorus

Next…Wow!…an X-box for little Will.
Destiny ain’t just a game, I feel.
Oh! Christmas morning will be so jolly.
Of course, for you it will be melancholy.

Chorus

Dang! You ain’t near the fool I thought.
On home surveillance I was caught.
My face is splashed across the news.
I’ll be sent down to pay my dues.

Ho, ho, ho!
I’m such a schmo.
Ho, ho, ho!
How could I know?
Though in the joint
I’ll take some mocking,
I’ve learned next year to
Wear a stocking.

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

We Just Needle Little Christmas

12 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Holidays, Only in Florida, The Formative Years

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

artificial Christmas tree, Christmas, Christmas decorations, Christmas trees, crocodiles, cut your own Christmas tree, Maple Lane Farms

Now that the frenzy of Black Friday and the clamor of Cyber Monday have abated and the emails clogging my inbox reveal that I would have gotten a larger discount if I’d just waited until Total-up Tuesday or We-didn’t-sell-as-much-as-we-thought-we-would Wednesday, it’s time to turn my attention to other holiday-inspired activities. One of the perks of living in the Northeast is the ability to cut your own Christmas tree.  To go out into the (albeit farmer-made) forest and chop down a perfectly pruned pine just like our ancestors did, is one of the joys of the season.

Maple Lane has to be one of the most beautiful tree farms in the Northeast.

Maple Lane Farms must be one of the most beautiful tree farms in the Northeast

Maple Lane Farms must be one of the most beautiful cut-your-own Christmas tree farms in the Northeast.

As many of you know I grew up in South Florida, where the Christmas trees on offer were trucked in on October 1st from some “real” Christmas state like Vermont. They then hung out in parking lots all across town huddled together like delinquent teenagers and were on their last stump when they finally went on sale. This doesn’t mean, however, that they were lacking in fight. Surviving on the mean streets of Hollywood, meant these trees had to be tough. Their needles were stiff and as sharp as fangs, which made hanging the lights and ornaments a masochistic affair akin to crocodile wrestling. By the end of the day, my sister’s and my arms were red and scratched and our eyes teary. But it was tradition.

This tree looks so pretty, decorated for the season.

This crocodile tree looks so pretty decorated for the season.

You might think that holiday traditions were sparse in such a non-wintery place, but you’d be wrong. In fact these same beasts were the gifts that kept on giving. Instead of softly falling snowflakes, my sister, Jen, and I listened in the quiet of the night to the plink, plink of needles dropping onto our Cuban tile floor. And on December 26th  those needle banks were the site of our favorite annual event—the Pine Needle Sweep. With the tree nearly bare, Jen and I crawled through the piles on the floor shoveling as many needles as we could into baggies. Whoever had the fullest baggie won. I don’t remember what we won, but I do remember the pure thrill of the sport.

Despite these heartfelt memories, when the price of real Christmas trees began to climb, my parents decided it was time to buy an artificial one. I guess it wasn’t bad compared to other artificial Christmas trees of the 1970s. If I remember correctly, each bough hooked into its own hole on rings strategically placed along the “trunk” and the “needles” were anemic imitations of their authentic counterparts. Of course, this tree didn’t maul us, but where was the fun in that? No crying? It hardly seemed like Christmas.

At least, though, our artificial tree was green. Our neighbors across the street displayed an aluminum tree in their picture window. They “decorated” it by bathing it in light from a multi-colored revolving disk so that the tree flashed red, green, orange, blue, red, green, orange, blue, red, green…well, you get the idea…all night long. My sister and I, being sent to bed at some ridiculously early hour like 7:30 (really, we weren’t that bad—Santa knows, after all), used to kneel on our beds and watch this troubling, but oddly fascinating holiday extravaganza for hours (it was probably only 20 minutes, but that’s like 3 hours in kid time).

WitLoveKath - Needles - red tree

So when I moved north, I happily adopted the tradition of “cut your own” Christmas tree.  The unpredictable eccentricities of nature, however, can create…um…challenges. First, there’s the weather. Some years the air is pleasantly cold—just enough to make it feel like winter. Maybe there are even a few snowflakes swirling in the breeze for that Currier and Ives atmosphere. Then there are the bitter years when the temperature and the wind conspire to freeze you like the Winter Warlock in my fave animated Christmas special Santa Clause Is Coming to Town. Yeah, let’s all sing together—“Put one foot in front of the other, and cut down the first tree you see-ee-eee! Put one foot in front of the other, and soon we’ll be ba-ack in the car!!”

WitLoveKath - Needles - Mr. Winter

The second trial Mother Nature presents is the tree itself. Once, knee deep in snow and with a baby in tow, we chose what we thought was a nicely shaped, full bodied fir. But as we stuffed it into the car and secured it with bungee cords, my suspicions should have been up. And sure enough, as soon as we brought it into the house, the tree showed its true character. Like some out-of-control party guest, it dominated the family room, swallowed five strings of lights, and laughed maniacally at our measly ornaments—the entire collection of which only covered a tiny fraction of its branches.

Like the crocodile trees of my youth, it had spunk. It was jealous of the baby, swatting at him whenever he came near, and it drank copious amounts of water. I now know that it was staying fit for the nefarious purpose of escape. Twice during the night we heard disturbing noises coming from downstairs. In the morning we found the tree sprawled on the floor, no doubt tripped up by the coffee table as it tried to run for the back door. The only way we could subdue it was to tie it to nearby furniture with rope.

Well…oops!…I’ve gotta run. I hear this year’s Christmas tree pining for more water. It seems awfully thirsty lately. You don’t think? Nahh….

"Is this tree laughing, or is that just the wind through the boughs?"

“Is this tree laughing, or is that just the wind through the boughs?”

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

The What! Really?! Just For You Best Gift Pick Post – free shipping!

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Holidays, Shopping

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Christmas shopping, Cyber Monday, Hammacher Schlemmer, holiday shopping, humor

I am so sorry. I told myself I wasn’t going to write this post this year, but, seriously, they make it just too darn irresistible. Who is “they?” Hammacher Schlemmer, of course. I have successfully ignored their daily missives touting subject lines such as “The Bearded Beanie,” “The Glow in the Dark Driver Ejecting Bumpercrafts,” “The Darth Vader Toaster,” and “The Only Exterior Pocket Impervious Carry On” (is this suitcase impervious to all pockets? Outside pockets only? Or what?).  But one morning I read “The Life Size Tyrannosaurus Skeleton,” and in a nostalgic reverie, thinking back to the days when my son would have loved to have this, I clicked.

Can’t you imagine how much the neighbors would love you if this were standing in your back yard? You’re right—maybe the front yard would be better.

Can’t you imagine how much the neighbors would love you if this were standing in your back yard? You’re right—maybe the front yard would be better.

Well, woe be unto me—for with that one click, I was hooked. What’s fascinating to me is not so much the items themselves, but the people who would buy them. I mean who has $100,000 to plunk down on a T-rex skeleton? Maybe this is how those Powerball lottery winners squander their $365 million jackpots.

So here we go. Whether you buy these items for yourself or give them to family or friends, each and every one of these “original” or “unexpected” products is guaranteed to stun and amaze. Of course, before you can put presents under the tree, you need the tree.

Why settle for those old, boring triangular things found in nature when you can show off your inner fashionista? Be careful, though. A couple of misfortunately hung globe ornaments could have decency Santa climbing down the chimney instead of gift-giving Santa.

Why settle for those old, boring triangular things found in nature when you can show off your inner fashionista? Be careful, though. A couple of misfortunately hung globe ornaments could have decency Santa climbing down the chimney instead of gift-giving Santa.

Or maybe this is more to your liking:

If you just can’t get enough of the Nutcracker during the holidays, perhaps you’d like to give this tree a spin. Yes, the “ballerina” pirouettes 360 degrees. Wouldn’t “balletreena” have been a better name? Hellooo….Hammacher Schlemmer…I am available as a freelance copywriter.

If you just can’t get enough of the Nutcracker during the holidays, perhaps you’d like to give this tree a spin. Yes, the “ballerina” pirouettes 360 degrees. Wouldn’t “balletreena” have been a better name? Hellooo….Hammacher Schlemmer…I am available as a freelance copywriter.

No one, however, does a spinning Christmas tree quite like our English cousins.

In Doctor Who’s 2005 Christmas special, Christmas Invasion, murderous rotating conifers threaten London, and in an ironic twist manage to lop off quite a few human limbs in the process. Those Brits just love a bloody good holiday.

In Doctor Who’s 2005 Christmas special, Christmas Invasion, murderous rotating conifers threaten London, and in an ironic twist manage to lop off quite a few human limbs in the process. Those Brits just love a bloody good holiday.

If you’re at the mall or the airport or the train station and you’re plumb worn out, why not take a little snooze? No pillow? No problem. This handy gadget makes slipping off into dreamland so easy.

Put it on. Go on, no one will laugh. They may steal your suitcase, computer bag, shopping bags, or purse, but really…no one’s laughing. They’re too busy taking your picture and uploading it to the Internet. 

Put it on. Go ahead. No one will laugh. People may steal your suitcase, computer bag, shopping bags, or purse, but really…no one’s laughing. They’re too busy snapping your picture and uploading it to the Internet.

Yeah, the Internet can be a scary place, what with all the hacking and…oh, wait, that’s just the cat spitting up a hairball. So, well…you know what I mean. You never know if your information is secure. Hammacher Schlemmer’s solution? The Morse Code Signal Lamp.

I foresee a whole new industry opening up in the STEM universe: Science, Technology, Engineering, and Morse Code. Pretty soon we’ll see babies hauling around Morse Code lamps and wonder whatever happened to the good ol’ days when they learned how to play apps and keyboard before age 2. Next year I fully expect the Hammacher Schlemmer  catalog to include The Original Smoke Signal Kit.

I foresee a whole new industry opening up in the STEM universe: Science, Technology, Engineering, and Morse Code. Pretty soon we’ll see babies hauling around Morse Code lamps and wonder whatever happened to the good ol’ days when they learned how to play apps and keyboard before age 2. Next year I fully expect the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog to include The Original Smoke Signal Kit.

After all this worrying, don’t you feel in the need for a little refreshment? Step up to the buffet and enjoy – as Hammacher Schlemmer puts it – “two-fisted noshing.” But how to hold the wine? That’s right—in a little holster slung around your neck.

I see just one itty-bitty problem. If both hands are occupied, how do you lift the glass to your lips? Perhaps they could include a straw? It could be one of those twisty straws or one that changes color as liquid passes through it. Something fun. A conversation starter. Because the glass hanging around your neck won’t be enough.

I see just one itty-bitty problem. If both hands are occupied, how do you lift the glass to your lips? Perhaps they could include a straw? It could be one of those twisty straws or one that changes color as liquid passes through it. Something fun. A conversation starter. Because the glass hanging around your neck won’t be enough.

So now you’re a little tipsy, or maybe you’re just unsteady on your feet. Grab these Wheeled Walking Poles and go!

All I have to say is if the time ever comes when I need training wheels again, will someone please put me out of my misery? All images courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer

All I have to say is if the time ever comes when I need training wheels again, will someone please put me out of my misery?
All images courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer

Credit cards at the ready? Great! ‘Cause these and more astounding must-haves are waiting just a click away.

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

Keep Calm and Stand In Line

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Holidays, Random Thoughts, Shopping

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

checkout lines, ear buds, holiday shopping, humor, Jennifer Aniston, patience, Shopping, Taylor Swift

Checkout lines are my nemesis, and like Professor Moriarty stalking Sherlock Holmes or Wile E. Coyote hunting Roadrunner, I never know in what dastardly way one is going to get me. Usually it’s the short, mild-mannered line that turns out to be my downfall.

I step into place expecting a quick exit only to be thwarted by someone staring off into space as the clerk rings up and bags the items and announces the total. The customer, taken completely unawares, shakes him or herself from their reverie and pulls out a checkbook (checks? Really? It’s 2014 for crying out loud!). S-l-o-w-l-y they write the date (“what day is it again?”), the store (“how do you spell Stop and Shop?”, the amount (“how much did you say it is?”), and finally they sign their name. Then they go through the whole routine again in their register. Fire Ants climbing my legs couldn’t make me any more twitchy than I am watching this performance.

WitLoveKath - Snippets - check

A close second might be customers who thrust into the cashier’s hand a soggy wad of coupons that need to be separated, flattened out, turned around, and scanned and which invariably contain several that don’t compute because they are for multiple items or are expired. Then ensues a negotiation worthy of Congress—that’s right, no go on either side. Or there’s a sluggish amble to the back of the store to pick up the missing items. Either way, time is wasting, people!

"Do you have any coupons?" "Here you go. You can figure out which ones I can use, right?"

“Do you have any coupons?”
“Here you go. You can figure out which ones I can use, right?”

And don’t even get me started about waiting on the phone listening to some ear-splitting “music” or a happy voice telling me everything the company can do for me except answer the phone. Why can’t someone devise a way for your phone to access your own playlist to enjoy while you wait? Shark Tank, anyone?

It’s only a couple of minutes, you might say. But a few minutes here and a few minutes there add up to—wait a minute while I dig my phone out of my purse and turn it on and access the calculator…oops that’s the flashlight…and plug in the numbers…darn, hit the wrong button…there that’s right…and get an answer—an eternity. Aaack! And I still have so much to do!

Before I completely go off the rails, though, I’m trying to learn to be more chill. One way I now do this in the checkout lane at Stop & Shop is to turn my attention away from other shoppers and toward the tabloid racks—and you know what I see? Jennifer Aniston. Every. Single. Week.  In Every. Single. Magazine. I’m not a huge Jennifer Aniston fan. I never understood the obsession with her hair, and as for Brad? He’s better off. Still, I am not without sympathy. This poor woman has been pregnant for 4 years straight—without ever giving birth. This story puts the old “My Baby Is an Alien” reports to shame. Or maybe….Nahhh. And what about her marriage already? If she and Justin are waiting for that baby to be born, they may as well forget it.

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen Pregnant VI

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jennifer Aniston Pregnant together II

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jennifer Aniston Pregnant together I

At least Mary had Joseph

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen Pregnant VII

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen and Justin II

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen and Justin III

These two appeared in the same week. So, ok, I give up. Which is it?

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen Pregnant V

We could only be so lucky, but I think In Touch and Ok! would go out of business.

We could only be so lucky, but I think In Touch and Ok! and Us Weekly would go out of business.

While I cool my heels, I also think about my next story or blog post. Sometimes, my brain contains only a bunch of fragments, which, like young children at recess, beg to get out but defy organization. Now, as the holidays approach, is just such a time. So I’m going to release a few of those snippets that jumped around in my mind like Santa’s reindeer from roof to roof as I idled at Target, Books-A-Million, and Michaels Arts and Crafts this week.

1. In August Taylor Swift released her video for “Shake it Off,” which created a big brouhaha with critics and online commentators. One day while tooling along the road to Target, Jenny and I were discussing the song and the video when an inverted skyscraper of a city bus entered traffic from a side street. As the bus loomed into my lane, I slammed on the brakes, experiencing the kind of terror Captain Ahab must have felt when Moby Dick thrashed his tiny whaleboat. At the last second—our vehicles side-by-side—the bus driver righted her leviathan into its own lane with military precision. I felt a little shaky. Not from the near-miss obliteration but from the knowledge that one of my last words on earth would have been “twerking.”

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Taylor Swift

2. Here is a jacket that Jenny ordered recently. How long do designers think an extra small petite woman’s arms are?

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen's Jacket

3. Speaking of petite: When will someone make ear buds with a cord short enough so they don’t catch on everything or become infuriatingly tangled the moment you put them down. I swear those things are alive. Shark Tank, anyone?

WitLoveKath - Snippets - cord II

WitLoveKath - Snippets - cord I

WitLoveKath - Snippets - cord III

4. I will leave you now with one more piece of evidence that the Thanksgiving holiday will one day be as extinct as T-rex: Auto correct on my iPhone capitalizes Black Friday but doesn’t recognize Thanksgiving.

 

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

Hapry Hallankstmas!

20 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Food, Holidays, Shopping

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

candy, Christmas, Halloween, humor, Shopping, Thanksgiving

Halloween is right around the corner. How do I know? The Christmas decorations are going up in stores around the country, and the dulcet strains of holiday tunes are streaming from their sound systems. Macy’s has announced their Black Friday hours (6:00 p.m. Thanksgiving evening), and the seasonal catalogs are already arriving in the mail; can the toy “books” be far behind?

I haven’t bought my Halloween candy yet, and I’m just not sure how much to get. Our neighborhood is on its second wave of small children, so I never know year-to-year how many visitors we will have. I’d rather err on the side of having too much candy, but I don’t want a lot lying around afterward either. Last year I picked up two big multi-variety bags and poured the tasty, colorful bars into the plastic cauldron I offer to our trick-or-treaters, anticipating their excited faces. But I couldn’t give the stuff away. Literally.  We have no gluttonous ghouls, voracious vampires, or insatiable specters coming to our door.

"Won't you take a bar or two...or ten, my pretty?"

“Won’t you take a bar or two…or ten, my pretty?”

Here’s how it went down:

At 6:15 our motion-sensor gargoyle screeches, alerting us to the arrival of the first trick-or-treaters.

Eeeeeeeek! "Wel-come to our haunted house! Bwahhahaha!" Reeeeee. Reeeeee

Eeeeeeeek! “Wel-come to our haunted house! Bwahhahaha!” Reeeeee. Reeeeee.

Ding Dong

I swing the door open to reveal a small cadre of costumed crusaders.

“Trick or Treat!!”

“Oh! You all look so cute/scary/amazing.”

They smile adorably (even the bloody mummies) and say, “Thank you.”

I hold out the cauldron. “Here you go.”

Their big eyes stare into mine. “How many can we take?”

“Whatever you’d like.”

They search the bowl and gingerly remove one bar from its depths.

Sensing that there aren’t that many trick-or-treaters out, I say, “You can take more than that.”

They look at each other warily as if I’ve just invited them to watch a show on network TV.

A couple of kids reach in again and draw out one more bar. If they happen to grab two, they put one back. “Thank you,” they say again.

Darn these easy-to-please kids! They’re hardly putting a dent in the terribly tempting treats!

“No,” I say, “take a handful!” I rattle the cauldron. “Here!”

They turn and run down the walk to their parents as I yell out, “Just one more Kitkat? How about a Twix?  One Starburst? Pleeese?”

I think I’m known as “that scary lady who makes us take candy.”

I don’t know why I’m surprised at these kids’ good manners; my kids are the same way. Once, though, when my son was in kindergarten, he stood at the door of the eeriest house in our neighborhood—the one with the undead rising from its crypt, the spooky music, the spider webs, and the tombstones—and asked for more. More money for his UNICEF box. When our neighbor dropped her coins into the slot, he deemed it “not enough,” and asked, “Can’t you give more?” And, bless her, she did, hunting up more change from somewhere inside.

"One penny?! Can't you give more?" Image courtesy UNICEF

“One penny?! Can’t you give more?”
Image courtesy UNICEF

I think this is where my altruistic son got his start. Of course, maybe he was just making them pay in advance for the future Halloween when his little sister became so frightened of the zombie that jumped out of their bushes that she cried and never went back. Either way his heart was in the right place.

I know I’m not the only one who’s perplexed by holidays. Our local stores seem always to be swept up in some kind of celebration vortex in which products for two or more holidays mingle on the shelves. Right now it’s Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas—or as I like to call it: Hallankstmas.

WitLoveKath - Halloween - Target

Soon we’ll be able to purchase sweets and presents for the December holidays while also planning ahead for Valentine’s Day (Hanistine’s Days). In January the chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, and Easter toys will join the hearts and flowers (Valenster). At Stop & Shop one year—in a marketing gaffe that illuminated for me just how “fresh” holiday sweets really are—the Easter candy debuted on the same day as the Christmas treats. The next day it was gone, but I’m sure the Cadbury Eggs and marshmallow Peeps were simply lurking in the back warehouse waiting to make their entrance with the spring patio furniture.

Now that’s scary.

"Now, do I have everything?  Halloween? Check. Thanksgiving? Check. Christmas? Check. Where's the Easter candy? Hellooo?"

“Now, do I have everything?
Halloween? Check.
Thanksgiving? Check.
Christmas? Check.
Where’s the Easter candy? Hellooo?”

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

What would we be without you?

12 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Children, Holidays, Music

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

BBC Music, Children, God Only Knows, International Day of the Girl Child, Kailash Satyarthi, Malala Yousafzay, Universal Children's Day

My friend Roz alerted me to this stunning music video—a remake of the Beach Boys song God Only Knows. Amid breathtaking scenery, 27 British musicians and the 80-piece BBC Concert Orchestra have created a masterpiece that will touch your heart. The video was produced to celebrate the BBC’s love of music. Proceeds from the single will also aid the BBC’s 2014 Children in Need campaign. You can learn more about the video and how it was made at the home of BBC Music.

– God Only Knows remake, produced by Ethan Johns and Bob Shennan, Director of BBC Music.

Image courtesy of Headlines and Global News

Image courtesy of Headlines and Global News

With the recent awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to Malala Yousafzay and Kailash Satyarthi for their courageous “struggles against the suppression of children and young people and for the right of all children to education,” perhaps the value of children everywhere will be recognized and celebrated.

Image courtesy of acelebrationofwomen.org

Image courtesy of acelebrationofwomen.org

On October 11 the world observed the United Nations sponsored International Day of the Girl Child, which “promotes girls’ rights and recognizes the unique challenges they face.” This year’s theme was “empowering adolescent girls: ending the cycle of violence.”

Image courtesy of jis.gov.jm.

Image courtesy of jis.gov.jm.

Universal Children’s Day takes place on November 20 and provides an opportunity for worldwide understanding among children and a day of activities devoted to the welfare of children around the world.

But you don’t need to wait for a special day to help your  local or the world’s children. Today, why not remember a favorite childhood memory, and in its honor download “God Only Knows,” donate the price of a cup of coffee to a children’s charity, or share some time with a child and let them show you their world. They’re not only the future, they are our now.

Image courtesy of the International Children's Day special collection.

Image courtesy of the International Children’s Day special collection.

Roz, seeing Sir Elton John in that video reminded me of the time we tried to count the number of Elton John songs the radio station played during an entire weekend trying to win their contest for tickets to his concert.

Now, I’m going to download that song.

 

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

Ghosts of Cookies Past

19 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by Kath Carroll in Holidays, The Formative Years

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

baking, Christmas cookies, holidays, humor, Pepparkakor cookies

Nothing strikes more dread in the hearts of my family than these two words: Pepparkakor cookies. Pepparkakor cookies are a traditional Swedish Christmas cookie, and years ago my father’s Aunt Mildred, a bustling dynamo of kitchen domination, handed down her recipe to any takers. We now all realize that her generosity was just a ruse to keep us from forgetting her. As if we could.

Stories of Aunt Mildred were legend. The most telling, perhaps, was about the speed with which she cleared the table—if she had eaten her last bite, you had eaten your last bite, and she whisked your plate away even if your fork was halfway to your mouth and your plate half full. Of course, she was also famous for her Pepparkakor.

WitLoveKath - Cookies - Pepparkakor wiki

Made correctly these cookies are paper-thin, zesty morsels of deliciousness, and herein lies the rub: No one could make them like Mildred. Under Mildred’s deft hands the dough was pliable and easily rolled. It yielded to the cookie cutters and dropped onto the baking sheet in perfect shapes. The finished cookies were crisp and flakey and flavorful.  But for anyone else? Not so much.

Once, one of her nieces even stood over her as she made the cookies, convinced Mildred had “forgotten” to reveal an important ingredient or technique, only to report with consternation that she had been faithful to the recipe.  And so the gauntlet was thrown, and every year my mother, my sister, and I  tried to recreate Mildred’s magic.

Now, TV commercials and magazines present a holiday kitchen where a mother and her adorable children, all smiling ear to ear, pour chocolate chips into some unseen batter (while nibbling a few through nose-crinkling giggles), slice perfect rounds off a log of pre-made and pre-decorated dough, or press a Hershey kiss into the middle of an enchanting mound.

My cookie-baking experience?—a dystopian nightmare. There is a reason why CW’s Supernatural resonates with me. Ghosts (of cookies past)? Check. A struggle for my very soul? You betcha. Unabating obsession? Undoubtedly.

Ask my mother about Pepparkakor cookies and her eyes roll, her lips become a thin, grim line, and her head shakes in defeat. I, on the other hand, begin laughing a little too hysterically. And my sister? She doesn’t want to talk about it. As readers of this blog know, I grew up in South Florida where the average temperature in December is 75 and the humidity 70%. The recipe for Pepparkakor calls for the dough to be refrigerated overnight. It also includes a half cup of molasses, and it is to this consistency that the dough returned 5 minutes after hitting the Florida air.

Yet, we persevered.  Flour was liberally “sprinkled” on the rolling cloth. Flour was liberally applied to the rolling pin. Flour rimmed the assembled cookie cutters. And so it began. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a frustration-fueled fuming fest:

Ugh! It’s so sticky! I can’t roll it.

Well, put more flour on the board.

That’s not helping.

Thinner, they’re supposed to be thin. Thin!

This is as thin as I can get them!

Here, let me do it. Give me the rolling pin.

But the dough’s all stuck on the cloth!

Well, put more flour on it.

They’re going to taste terrible!

Just do it!

Seeee?

All right. Scrape it off. We’ll do it again.

Uuhuhughh!

Just let me do it! Well, I guess this is the best we can do. But look how thick it is!

Just cut them!

The cookies’re sticking to the board! I can’t get them off!

Use this knife!

They’re getting ruined! Why do we even make these stupid things?

This is a stupid looking reindeer. It looks like a fish.

And what’s that? Santa’s supposed to be fat not the angel!

I’m never doing this again!

Here, let me help.

No, I can do it! I can do it!

Finally, we got the first batch into the oven.  While they baked we gathered the scraps and rolled out more. Adding to the lunacy was my mother’s insistence that we waste not even the tiniest bit of dough. If there was a cookie cutter to fit, we had to use it.

WitLoveKath - Cookies - cat and rooster on scrap

WitLoveKath - Cookies - scrapsWitLoveKath - Cookies - cat on scrap

This process took all day. At the end we were exhausted, dripping with sweat, and covered in flour. We gazed at the finished products feeling the collective taint of disappointment, regret, and the disapproving eyes of Aunt Mildred. But we had two jars of cookies, and if they were a bit thick, still white with flour, and oddly misshapen, they still tasted good to us. And we needn’t have worried about Mildred. She was probably ordering the angels around the heavenly kitchen or chuckling over our plight. Either way she would have been happy.

Plus, there was always next year. Somehow, we always forgot the pain and suffering that went into making them the way women forget the trauma of childbirth so they can have more children.

Over the years the tradition of baking cookies gave way to busier schedules. But it seems my daughter Jenny has inherited Mildred’s baking genes (but not her steamroller personality, thank goodness), and so the other night the subject of the Pepperkakor cookies came up again. I realized as I laughingly related my tales of woe that the lure of the perfect Pepperkakor had not faded, but was only hibernating until a more able baker prevailed.

Jenny was game, so she whipped up the batter and put it in the refrigerator. No dithering over the ingredients. No burden of history.  I, and my bad vibes, stayed out of the way. The next day we rolled them out. The dough spread easily, with just a true sprinkling of flour, to the required 1/8th inch and even thinner. No screaming. No panic. She and I took turns with the cookie cutters—the same ones I used as a child. No morphed angels, no fish-reindeer. These Pepparkakor baked up glossy brown, crispy, and flavorful. The whole thing took less than 2 hours.

WitLoveKath - Cookies - cookie cutters

WitLoveKath - Cookies - cookies on rack

Silicone rolling mats and rolling pins help as do cooler temperatures and alligator-skin humidity levels. But the real difference, I believe, is that Jenny has the magic. For myself? The no-fuss, efficient success this year felt triumphant and fun. But, as I also relish the absurd, the debacles of the past continue to assert a certain humorous charm. The best news, though, is that Pepparkakor are back on the traditional cookie list for another generation. I hope Aunt Mildred is pleased to pass her rolling pin to a kindred spirit.

WitLoveKath - Cookies - cookies on plate

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

Worst Christmas Song Ever? Funniest? Favorite? Complete the Survey and Tell Us

07 Saturday Dec 2013

Posted by Kath Carroll in Holidays

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Christmas carols, Christmas music, Christmas songs, humor, worst Christmas song

Flip on the radio or walk into any store or office these days and you’re sure to hear Christmas music. Some songs are welcome reminders of cherished memories while others…well…not so much. In fact, a recent study found that most ugly Christmas sweater purchases are made under the influence of Santa Baby.

WitLoveKath---Christmas-Survey---ugly mens sweaters from Jen

WitLoveKath---Christmas-Suvey---ugly womens sweaters from Jen

Where do all these songs come from? Well, this is the season of giving, and it seems every performer on earth celebrates by giving us the opportunity to buy their holiday album. And so we’re serenaded by everyone from pop stars (CeeLo Green) to comedians (Steven Colbert) to the desperate (every American Idol contestant and every artist trying to make a comeback) to the disturbing (Christmas Lounge Music, CeeLo Green, Christmas Workout Non-stop Mix, CeeLo Green, Country’s Most Wanted Instrumental Christmas Songs—I love the tin-cup on prison bars version of Silent Night).

WitLoveKath---Christmas-Survey---Steven-Colbert et al from Jen

So many diverse talents chasing the same 4-week royalties bonanza has created a new kind of cross-over genre I like to call “Blech.” In this category you’ll find the dance version of Oh Holy Night and the mawkish version of Jingle Bell Rock. This year, my personal favorite (to tune away from the moment I hear it) is a jazz-country-disco mash up of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

Also trending are the singers who try to “out-slow” each other.  When Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas takes as long as the car trip from Target in one town to our home in another, you know it’s a little too sluggish. Kind of like the drivers who emerge from their hermit holes only once a year—during December—just so they can pull out in front of you and tootle along at 20 miles an hour all the way to your destination. Who knew cars could go that slow? There is one benefit from getting behind these dawdlers though—due to the hilly roads around here, there are long stretches on Boston Post Road and others where I’ve learned you never have to use the gas pedal. That’s a gift in itself considering the price of gas these days.

WitLoveKath - Christmas Survey - frustrated driver

But I digress…Here then is the 2013 Christmas Carroll Carol Survey. In the comments section tell me which Christmas song you consider:

The Worst Ever

The Funniest

The Most Sulky

The Most Morbid

Your Favorite

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...

Shopping for the Whirrfect Woman

18 Monday Nov 2013

Posted by Kath Carroll in Holidays, Shopping

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple Store, China, Cyber Monday, humor, JCPenney, Shopping, Singles Day

In 1968 Harry Nilsson sang, “one is the loneliest number…” Well, now comes confirmation via a story by Shanshan Wang and Eric Pfanner in the New York Times that old Harry had it right. And nowhere is this loneliness more evident than in China. All over that vast nation, male progeny of the “one child rule” are struggling to find a girlfriend. Or maybe they just can’t see the available girls through the smog.

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - smog

Whatever. These poor guys are so forlorn that November 11 has become known as “Singles Day” for the utter melancholy “symbolized by the four lonely 1s of 11/11” (can you imagine the despair of 1/11/11? thank goodness it only came once), and on that day they turn to a deviant and unnatural act for consolation—shopping.

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - logo II

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - online shopping computer II

Now, I have a son and I know all about males and shopping. If you can get them inside the doors of a store, whatever their eyes light upon first is what they will buy. Whether the size is three times too small or three times too big, the shirt or pants fit “good.” I fully blame this phenomenon for the cultural touchstone so often seen on our streets and in our malls: low-slung jeans. These hip orbiters are not a fad, they are the result of severe dressingroomaphobia.

Once while shopping for new school clothes, an Indian woman, a Hispanic woman, I, and our respective sons all ended up in the jeans department of JCPenney. As we women looked around at each other, our common expression of long-suffering exasperation told us that we were kindred spirits and that cultural differences held no sway. We exchanged knowing smiles, understanding that given half a chance mothers like us could unite the world; for there is no more persuasive power on earth than a mother talking to her son in a clothing store.

In fact, the Hispanic woman and her son were locked in just such a negotiation as my daughter and I pretended to seriously compare the 700 styles of Levis while waiting for my son. The teenager, slouching and with his eyes downcast, mumbled some incantation that would render him invisible or at least smite those who witnessed him Out In Public With His Mother, while the woman intoned, “Try them on. Just. Try. Them. On.” And as I knew he would, because I had just been through the same bonding ritual with my dear boy, he shuffled off toward those “rooms of doom.”

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - Dressing Room

Soon, we heard a door open and six pairs of eyes simultaneously turned toward the sound. My son appeared with the new jeans bunched in his hands. “How did they fit?” I asked, although I suspected he had just stood in the room for what he deemed an appropriate amount of time before coming out. “Good,” he mumbled, slouching and with eyes downcast. So we bought them and he wears them and I don’t ask when he hitches them up.

But now it seems Chinese retailers have overcome “male shopping aversion syndrome” by understanding one simple fact: men can easily “seek solace for their single status by buying electronic devices and other gear.” Thus, “Singles Day” has become a mammoth shopping day that makes Cyber Monday look like a child’s lemonade stand. This year Alibaba, the Chinese company that owns Tmall (the T-rex of online retailers) processed more than $5.75 billion payments.

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - Tmall online II

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - packages

So the truth is out. Who needs a real woman when you can take your new computer, smart phone, smart phone watch, tablet, television, gaming system, meat thermometer, 3D printer, wireless speaker ear warmers, GPS, “Call Me Gloves” (“Hey, Baby, can you come over and shovel my driveway for me?”), distance calculating talking golf caddy…well, you get the picture…back to your man cave for a little quality time?

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - call me gloves

This is, of course, no secret—just peer into any Apple Store any time any day of any week. It just took the Chinese to truly capitalize on it. But there was one more compelling (disturbing?) statistic from this year’s “Singles Day” extravaganza: also sold were 1.6 million bras and 2 million pairs of panties. Coincidence? I think not. The mind reels at what kind of hybrid electronowoman is being created by those lonelyhearted men.

I’m sure the folks at Apple are taking note. Can iMackenzie be far behind?

Share this:

  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)

Like this:

Like Loading...
Follow Wit Love, Kath on WordPress.com

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Recent Posts

  • Couldn’t Be Better?
  • A Smart Choice
  • When Your Whole World Crashes
  • Free as a…(designer) bag?
  • See ya later, Alligator

Recent Comments

Pam Webb on A Smart Choice
ParentingIsFunny on Twisted Confessions of a (Form…
William McWhinney on Couldn’t Be Better?
Kath Carroll on A Smart Choice
Kath Carroll on When Your Whole World Cra…

Archives

Categories

Blogs I Follow

  • e.a. deverell
  • Microfiction Monday Magazine
  • thedrabble.wordpress.com/
  • 50-Word Stories
  • an art journal of an expressionistic spirit
  • celebratepicturebooksdotcom.wordpress.com/
  • Angie Karcher

I’m on Twitter

My Tweets

Blog at WordPress.com.

e.a. deverell

Microfiction Monday Magazine

thedrabble.wordpress.com/

Shortness of Breadth

50-Word Stories

Brand new bite-sized fiction every weekday!

an art journal of an expressionistic spirit

it's me, it's you in creative fun

celebratepicturebooksdotcom.wordpress.com/

Angie Karcher

Writing Children's Books

  • Follow Following
    • Wit Love, Kath
    • Join 69 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Wit Love, Kath
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...
 

    %d bloggers like this: