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Wit Love, Kath

~ My love letters about the funny side of life

Wit Love, Kath

Category Archives: Geekery

A Companion for the Doctor – Who?

19 Saturday Sep 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Celebrity, Geekery, Humor, Pop Culture, Television, Travel

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BBC, Chewbacca, Dalek, Doctor Who, Doctor Who companion, Donald Trump, Frozen, humor, Jenna Coleman, Olaf, Star Wars

Yesterday it was announced that Jenna Coleman is leaving Doctor Who. Jenna has been the Doctor’s steady companion, Clara, through his regeneration from Matt Smith to Peter Capaldi, from young to old, from eccentric to grumpy. In her normal life when she not traveling in the TARDIS, Clara has been a nanny, a school teacher, a girlfriend to Danny Pink, and a friend to many. But now Jenna’s off to play Queen Victoria in a eight-part drama series.

Jenna’s absence will leave a much coveted hole in the show’s cast. Who will be the next companion?? Below are five top contenders the producers and director should consider:

Chewbacca – Since his stunning self portrayal in the Star Wars epic series, Chewie has languished in Hollywood, receiving neither the respect nor the recognition he so justly deserves. The emotion he wrung out of unforgettable lines like brrwhhhaargh and grrrwaaaaaarggggh (Such joy! Such angst!), should long ago have placed him in the pantheon of Greats. Instead, he spends his off-grooming time traveling from ComicCon to ComicCon, selling himself for photo ops. And while Chewbacca will make a reappearance in The Force Awakens, isn’t it time he claim a more prominent role? Chewbacca is uniquely positioned to become the new companion. He has experience as Hans Solo’s sidekick, and  his “bigger on the outside” persona offers a nice counterpoint to the TARDIS’s “bigger on the inside” dimensions.

Con: shedding all over the Tardis

Olaf – What has become of Olaf? Sure his image graces waffle makers, sippy cups, toothbrushes, lunchboxes, beach towels, slippers, ice skates, T-shirts, costumes, backpacks, cereal, mugs, pretzels, phone cases…, but is the cutthroat world of retail really suited to such a sensitive, optimistic snowman? To package Olaf is  to melt him–and no one puts Olaf on a shelf. Olaf is a risk-taker! Olaf is ready to die for love! If these are not the qualities of a good companion, I don’t know what are. Rescue Olaf from the inhumanity of consumerism and cast him as the Doctor’s next companion.

Con: leaving puddles in the TARDIS.

Robby the Robot – A contemporary of both the first Doctor, William Hartnell, and the second, Patrick Troughton, Robby rolled on the scene in 1965 in TV’s Lost in Space. Despite his rather intimidating description as a Class M-3 Model B9 General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot, Robby is surprisingly human, poignantly capable of humor, melancholy, sarcasm, guitar playing, and singing. Keenly perceptive, Robby would be invaluable to alert the Doctor to peril with his flailing arms and warning words: “Danger! Danger! Will Robinson” (At last, the Doctor’s name is revealed!!). Other favorable traits include his familiarity with space travel, his prior experience working with doctors (Dr. John Robinson, Dr. Maureen Robinson) and his knack for thwarting a fierce nemesis (Dr. Zachary Smith).

Con: The singing? It wasn’t so hot.

Donald Trump – Because he has otherworldly hair, and there is apparently a law that every list, article, or show must include him.

Con: too many to mention.

A Dalek – In a world torn apart by strife, let’s restore hope by healing the rift between Time Lord and Dalek. Only by working together can these two mortal (immortal?) enemies bring peace to the universe (and if they could EX-TER-MIN-ATE ISIS in the process, so much the better).

Con: The competition to choose which color Dalek would represent the species could get ugly. Red? Blue? Heck, it’s starting to look a lot like the U.S. presidential campaign—just not as contentious.

Best of luck, Jenna. You’ll be hard to replace.

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When enough is not enough – BWapp it!

09 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Children, Geekery, Journalism, News, Parodies, Shopping, Technology, Travel

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Tags

Brian Williams, Burger King, childbirth, humor, Jay Leno, John Lithgow, journalism, Kate Middleton, news, Oprah, Stedman Graham

I don’t usually rush to use new technology or jump on a fad, but this Brian Williamization app—iBWapp—has me pretty excited. To get noticed today, enough is just not enough. You need flash!, glitz!, glamour! iBWapp gives it to you!  Simply type in or record one of your old, boring anecdotes, and BWapp!—you’re provided with an elaborate yarn that will have friends and acquaintances hanging on your every word.

iBWapp makes you as incredible a storyteller as Brian Williams. Image courtesy David Shankbone

iBWapp makes you as incredible a storyteller as Brian Williams.
Image courtesy of David Shankbone

Need to schmooze with upper management to secure a higher position or salary but only have an old chestnut from days gone by? Don’t sweat it—Bwapp it! Your nice, normal kid’s college application not sensational enough? Don’t worry—Bwapp it! Have an amusing story, but know it will never go viral? You know what to do—that’s right! Bwapp it!

Still unsure of the power of iBwapp? Take a look at these authentically remastered accounts, and you’ll be racing to the app store with your $1.29 in hand…well, on your credit card.

1. The Birth of a Child

Good Story:

My second child’s due date was upon me. It had been a restless, emotional day and at 9:30 p.m. as the snow and tears came down in equal measure, I resigned myself that today was not that day. But suddenly, it was. At the hospital, the baby wanted nothing to do with insurance forms, and by the time I was being wheeled to a room, she was on her way. The doctor made it just in the nick of time, and Jenny was born a few minutes later at 11:55 p.m.  Just 5 minutes more and she would have her own birthday date instead of sharing one with her mom. At some point during the proceedings, I must have hit the ON button of the TV remote because, suddenly, the room was filled with laughter and John Lithgow appeared on the screen talking to Jay Leno. It was a bit surreal, but what isn’t about childbirth?

iBWapped:

My second child’s due date was upon me. It had been a restless, emotional day and at 9:30 p.m. as the snow and tears came down in equal measure, I resigned myself that today was not that day. But suddenly, it was. We drove to the hospital in a blinding blizzard, stopping only when we were hit by a semi-tractor trailer and became part of a 45-car pile-up on I-95. With labor pains only 30 seconds apart, I jumped out of the car, and we hiked over the metallic mountain and on to the hospital. On Pequot Avenue I passed several bodies lying face down in a snow bank. I hadn’t seen bodies like that since my son and his friends made snow angels in the front yard the week before.

At the hospital, I was wheeled into the delivery room at 11:45—just in the nick of time. Imagine my delight when I discovered that John Lithgow was standing in for my regular GYN, and Jay Leno was standing by to tell jokes to help me breathe—Ha-Ha-Ha. Unfortunately, the baby was born at 11:55 p.m. Just 5 minutes more and I could have heard Jay’s big closer and Jenny would have her own birthday date instead of sharing one with her mom.

If I had to share this special day with two celebrities, these would not have been my choice, but John called it when he said, "You;re too far along for an epidural." Image of John Lithgow courtesy David Shankbone

If I had to share this special day with two celebrities, these would not have been my choice, but Dr. Lithgow did call it when he said, “You’re too far along for an epidural.”
Image of John Lithgow courtesy of David Shankbone

2. Childhood Injury

Good Story:

Once, when my sister was about 5 and I was 7, my mother took us to Burger King after our dance class. While she went inside to order, my sister and I stayed outside at the table. We were leaping from one cement bench to another when my sister slipped and hit her head on the edge of a bench.  I ran into the store to tell my mother. While my mother made a mad dash to our doctor about 30 minutes away, I had to hold a cloth to my sister’s bleeding head. Fear made me whiny and complainy, for which I received severe rebukes. Fortunately, my sister’s injury was not too bad, and the doctor fixed her up with several stitches.

WitLoveKath - Enough - Burger King Logo

Image courtesy Logopedia

iBWapped:

Once, when my sister was about 5 and I was 7, my mother took us to Burger King after our dance class. While she went inside to order, my sister and I stayed outside at the table. We were leaping from one cement bench to another when two robbers ran out of the store and knocked into my sister on their mad dash to their getaway car. My sister fell, hit her head on the edge of a bench, and became unconscious. Simultaneously while performing CPR and eating a cheeseburger, I threw my tap shoe at the fleeing felons and brought them both down in a heap right at the foot of a police officer. While my mother drove like a maniac toward home, I performed brain surgery in the back seat of the car with only Harper Valley PTA on the radio for anesthesia, saving my sister’s life. For these acts of heroism, I won the Nobel Prize for Medicine and was honored with a parade down Hollywood Boulevard. (Ok, so it was Hollywood (Florida) Boulevard. But that doesn’t have to come out until after the investigation.)

Who knew robbers were such a valued demographic? Image courtesy of supersizedmeals.com

Who knew robbers were such a valued demographic?
Image courtesy of supersizedmeals.com

3. European Vacation

Good Story:

In the summer of 2012 I traveled to London. I wasn’t there for the Olympics but we arrived a few days before the closing ceremonies. One afternoon in the lobby of the Marriott County Hall Hotel, I saw the United States Beach Volleyball champion Kerri Walsh. The next morning I rode the elevator with tennis player Andy Roddick, who, afraid, I suppose, that one of us would make a big deal of it, slouched in the corner with his hat over his eyes. And he was right, one of us was making a big deal of it—him.

iBWapped:

In the summer of 2012 I was part of the official American delegation to the Olympic Games in London, England and was a guest at the famed Marriott County Hall Hotel. There I bikini shopped with Misty May-Treanor (‘cause, really, who cares or ever hears about the other one?). Afterwards, I enjoyed a lovely afternoon at Buckingham Palace having tea and crumpets with Kate Middleton. While we played croquet she whispered the secret news the whole world had been waiting for (yes, this was 3 or 4 months before she found out herself, but it will take the fact-checkers awhile to catch up). The next morning I took a tennis lesson with Andy (if you’re expecting Roddick, you will be disappointed as this narrative is for winners only) Murray, who was soon to become the British Olympic champion. It was during this trip that I discovered my true voice and wrote my Pulitzer Prize winning novel, The Great Fat Lie.

Misty May knows her way around a bathing suit shop; Kate...well, she's perfect; and Andy struggles to return one of my awesome serves. All images courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Misty May knows her way around a bathing suit shop; Kate…well, she’s perfect; Andy struggles to return one of my awesome serves.
All images courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

4. Domestic Vacation

Good Story:

The kids had just been in the pool at the JW Marriott in Washington DC during a family vacation, and I was coming back from the concierge lounge with a few snacks. As I stepped into the elevator, the only other occupant, a tall, good-looking guy, said “hello.” It was Stedman Graham. We exchanged pleasantries and exited the elevator on the same floor.

Image courtesy of stedmangraham.com

Image courtesy of stedmangraham.com

iBWapped:

In 2008 while visiting Washington DC, I rode the elevator of the JW Marriott with Oprah.

Sorry, Stedman. iBwapp chooses the upgrade, not me. Image courtesy Alan Light

Image courtesy Alan Light

Now that you’ve experienced the eye-popping, jaw-dropping excitement of iBwapp, get it for yourself. Your life will never be the same again.

 

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SkyMall, say it ain’t so!

24 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Shopping, Technology, Travel

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Tags

airline travel, humor, Shopping, SkyMall

The Internet and news sources are abuzz today with the tragic story, and I, too, with a heavy heart mourn the passing of another beloved comedy icon. Only hours ago it was announced that SkyMall will cease touring. SkyMall first appeared in 1990, plying its trade aboard puddle jumpers, regional airlines, and commuter flights, testing and revising its material to the amusement of audiences from coast to coast.

In 1992 it hit the big time when, as luck would have it, Johnny Carson, enroute to the Emmy Awards in which he won a statuette for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series, glanced through a few pages of this upstart entertainer, bought a bottle of newly launched Thierry Mugler “Angel” perfume, and stuffed SkyMall in his briefcase. After this fortuitous meeting, Skymall appeared with Johnny frequently and was invited to the much desired chair, even if it was in the…well…you know.

I think even Johnny would have been delighted with this SkyMall offering. All images courtesy of SkyMall.com

I think even Johnny would have been delighted with this SkyMall offering.
All images courtesy of SkyMall.com

As Ellen DeGeneres, David Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld, and many other comedians discovered, Johnny’s stamp of approval meant overnight success; and so it was for SkyMall. In 1992 SkyMall increased its profits 100% and became a regular performer in nearly every jumbo jet flying the friendly skies. And if the skies were unfriendly, SkyMall no doubt had a solution – or could help you think of one yourself.

This brain massager is just the thing to stimulate deep thoughts

This brain massager is just the thing to stimulate deep thoughts

Readers of my blog may remember my tribute to SkyMall in my post “Getting There is All the Fun?” Over its 25-year career, SkyMall has allowed me to laugh away elbows bruised by jostled drink trolleys, fears of sudden turbulence, irritation at guys who reclined their seats into my lap, and countless hours of boredom when I discovered someone had already done the crossword puzzle in the airline magazine. But now its wit and weird wisdom is going the way of the free bag of peanuts, the free carry ons, the free meals, the free headsets, the free blankets…well, it’s going away. Without SkyMall the friendly skies will be…

...a little alien.

…a little alien.

And air travel will be the poorer for its absence.

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“Up To the Door”—A Modern Christmas Carol

20 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Holidays, Music, Parodies, Shopping

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Tags

Christmas, Christmas carol parody, Christmas shopping, holiday shopping, humor, packages stolen off porch, Up On the Housetop parody

                                                        Up To the Door                                                            (sung to the tune of Up On the Housetop)

Up to the door the driver springs.
Ding, dong, ding the doorbell rings
You’re not at home to take the package,
Leaving it ripe for old-school hackage.

Ho, ho, ho!
I run tiptoe.
Ho, ho, ho!
No one will know.
Up to the porch and,
Quick, quick, quick,
The presents you ordered
Have just been nicked.

First…Hey!…An iPhone for little Nell,
Or on Ebay it could sell.
With all that money I’d be rich—
Could gorge on champagne and a cheese sandwich.

Chorus

Next…Wow!…an X-box for little Will.
Destiny ain’t just a game, I feel.
Oh! Christmas morning will be so jolly.
Of course, for you it will be melancholy.

Chorus

Dang! You ain’t near the fool I thought.
On home surveillance I was caught.
My face is splashed across the news.
I’ll be sent down to pay my dues.

Ho, ho, ho!
I’m such a schmo.
Ho, ho, ho!
How could I know?
Though in the joint
I’ll take some mocking,
I’ve learned next year to
Wear a stocking.

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The What! Really?! Just For You Best Gift Pick Post – free shipping!

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Holidays, Shopping

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Christmas shopping, Cyber Monday, Hammacher Schlemmer, holiday shopping, humor

I am so sorry. I told myself I wasn’t going to write this post this year, but, seriously, they make it just too darn irresistible. Who is “they?” Hammacher Schlemmer, of course. I have successfully ignored their daily missives touting subject lines such as “The Bearded Beanie,” “The Glow in the Dark Driver Ejecting Bumpercrafts,” “The Darth Vader Toaster,” and “The Only Exterior Pocket Impervious Carry On” (is this suitcase impervious to all pockets? Outside pockets only? Or what?).  But one morning I read “The Life Size Tyrannosaurus Skeleton,” and in a nostalgic reverie, thinking back to the days when my son would have loved to have this, I clicked.

Can’t you imagine how much the neighbors would love you if this were standing in your back yard? You’re right—maybe the front yard would be better.

Can’t you imagine how much the neighbors would love you if this were standing in your back yard? You’re right—maybe the front yard would be better.

Well, woe be unto me—for with that one click, I was hooked. What’s fascinating to me is not so much the items themselves, but the people who would buy them. I mean who has $100,000 to plunk down on a T-rex skeleton? Maybe this is how those Powerball lottery winners squander their $365 million jackpots.

So here we go. Whether you buy these items for yourself or give them to family or friends, each and every one of these “original” or “unexpected” products is guaranteed to stun and amaze. Of course, before you can put presents under the tree, you need the tree.

Why settle for those old, boring triangular things found in nature when you can show off your inner fashionista? Be careful, though. A couple of misfortunately hung globe ornaments could have decency Santa climbing down the chimney instead of gift-giving Santa.

Why settle for those old, boring triangular things found in nature when you can show off your inner fashionista? Be careful, though. A couple of misfortunately hung globe ornaments could have decency Santa climbing down the chimney instead of gift-giving Santa.

Or maybe this is more to your liking:

If you just can’t get enough of the Nutcracker during the holidays, perhaps you’d like to give this tree a spin. Yes, the “ballerina” pirouettes 360 degrees. Wouldn’t “balletreena” have been a better name? Hellooo….Hammacher Schlemmer…I am available as a freelance copywriter.

If you just can’t get enough of the Nutcracker during the holidays, perhaps you’d like to give this tree a spin. Yes, the “ballerina” pirouettes 360 degrees. Wouldn’t “balletreena” have been a better name? Hellooo….Hammacher Schlemmer…I am available as a freelance copywriter.

No one, however, does a spinning Christmas tree quite like our English cousins.

In Doctor Who’s 2005 Christmas special, Christmas Invasion, murderous rotating conifers threaten London, and in an ironic twist manage to lop off quite a few human limbs in the process. Those Brits just love a bloody good holiday.

In Doctor Who’s 2005 Christmas special, Christmas Invasion, murderous rotating conifers threaten London, and in an ironic twist manage to lop off quite a few human limbs in the process. Those Brits just love a bloody good holiday.

If you’re at the mall or the airport or the train station and you’re plumb worn out, why not take a little snooze? No pillow? No problem. This handy gadget makes slipping off into dreamland so easy.

Put it on. Go on, no one will laugh. They may steal your suitcase, computer bag, shopping bags, or purse, but really…no one’s laughing. They’re too busy taking your picture and uploading it to the Internet. 

Put it on. Go ahead. No one will laugh. People may steal your suitcase, computer bag, shopping bags, or purse, but really…no one’s laughing. They’re too busy snapping your picture and uploading it to the Internet.

Yeah, the Internet can be a scary place, what with all the hacking and…oh, wait, that’s just the cat spitting up a hairball. So, well…you know what I mean. You never know if your information is secure. Hammacher Schlemmer’s solution? The Morse Code Signal Lamp.

I foresee a whole new industry opening up in the STEM universe: Science, Technology, Engineering, and Morse Code. Pretty soon we’ll see babies hauling around Morse Code lamps and wonder whatever happened to the good ol’ days when they learned how to play apps and keyboard before age 2. Next year I fully expect the Hammacher Schlemmer  catalog to include The Original Smoke Signal Kit.

I foresee a whole new industry opening up in the STEM universe: Science, Technology, Engineering, and Morse Code. Pretty soon we’ll see babies hauling around Morse Code lamps and wonder whatever happened to the good ol’ days when they learned how to play apps and keyboard before age 2. Next year I fully expect the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog to include The Original Smoke Signal Kit.

After all this worrying, don’t you feel in the need for a little refreshment? Step up to the buffet and enjoy – as Hammacher Schlemmer puts it – “two-fisted noshing.” But how to hold the wine? That’s right—in a little holster slung around your neck.

I see just one itty-bitty problem. If both hands are occupied, how do you lift the glass to your lips? Perhaps they could include a straw? It could be one of those twisty straws or one that changes color as liquid passes through it. Something fun. A conversation starter. Because the glass hanging around your neck won’t be enough.

I see just one itty-bitty problem. If both hands are occupied, how do you lift the glass to your lips? Perhaps they could include a straw? It could be one of those twisty straws or one that changes color as liquid passes through it. Something fun. A conversation starter. Because the glass hanging around your neck won’t be enough.

So now you’re a little tipsy, or maybe you’re just unsteady on your feet. Grab these Wheeled Walking Poles and go!

All I have to say is if the time ever comes when I need training wheels again, will someone please put me out of my misery? All images courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer

All I have to say is if the time ever comes when I need training wheels again, will someone please put me out of my misery?
All images courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer

Credit cards at the ready? Great! ‘Cause these and more astounding must-haves are waiting just a click away.

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How ’bout them Apple

20 Saturday Sep 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Music, Technology

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Tags

Apple, iOS8, Songs of Innocence, U2

It seems a bit ironic that Apple, who forged its name with an ad smashing Big Brother, has now become Big Parent, telling us what we need and what’s best for us.

WitLoveKath - Apple Big Brother

WitLoveKath - Apple Big Brother II

In the new iOS8 update, the geniuses of Apple deemed that we don’t really want to delete those photos—you know the ones: of the floor, of your thumb, of the hair, facial contortions, and unfortunately placed lumps and bumps that make you exclaim in horror, “Do I really look like that?!”.

You thought they were gone, you thought you were safe from future embarrassment, but they’re baaaack—like Mark “Appalachian Trail” Sanford and the brawling Palins.

Really, I want you to forget. I just don't want you to forget me.

Really, I want you to forget. I just don’t want you to forget me.

See all those people? You can take 'em. I know you can!

See all those people? You can take ’em. I know you can!

And where are your pictures anyway? Instead of the easy-to-browse camera roll, the pics are now sorted into dated folders. I can’t even remember what I did yesterday, much less what day I took a particular photograph.

When my daughter Jenny updated her phone the other night, she suddenly realized that a third of her songs were gone—361 songs to be exact. After much fuming and angst, she ended up having to restore every song from her computer, even the ones she bought when she was 12 that remind her of when the “girl wars” began and that she never wants to hear again.

Speaking of songs she never wants to hear—what up with the “gifting” of U2’s new album? When it didn’t show up on her phone last week amid all the hoopla, Jenny figured she was safe (she sorta likes what she’s heard of some of U2’s previous albums, but they’re no “Awesome Mix Vol. 1” Guardians of the Galaxy sound track). Then  while she was furiously (and I mean angrily—not quickly) searching for Ed Sheeran’s The a Team, she discovered, instead, Songs of Innocence. She leveled me with a disgusted stare and announced, “Well, I got it,” as if she had suddenly been infected with Enterovirus 68.

WitLoveKath - Apple enterovirus 68

Enterovirus 68 or Sounds of Innocence--which would you rather have?

Enterovirus 68 or Sounds of Innocence–which would you rather have?

I told her it could have been worse. It could have been Robin Thicke. But it got us thinking about free Apple downloads we would like to see. Here’s a short list:

  1. A $1,000,000 bank error in your favor. Here would be a great use for that “undeletable” feature.
  2. Gender equality
  3. A bra that really fits
  4. Another Harry Potter novel
  5. A spray tan that looks realistic instead of turning users into terra-cotta warriors
  6. Photographs of every time you look really good
  7. All the SAT answers
  8. A rerun of the final How I Met Your Mother—with the right ending
  9. The return of Pushing Daisies
  10. This is an oldie, but don’t we all want?…double rainbows all the way

Anyone else want to join in? Leave a comment!

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Dinosaurs extinct? I don’t think so

16 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Animals, Dinosaurs, Geekery, Movies

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

dinosaur movies, dinosaurs, humor, Jeff Goldblum, Jurassic World, satire, Steven Spielberg, Steven Spielberg and triceratops, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Triceratops, Tyrannosaurus Rex

By now you have probably seen the deplorable photograph of Steven Spielberg posing and grinning in front of the Triceratops he bagged. If you haven’t I urge you to Google it. I would display the photo here, but I don’t want to promote this kind of despicable “sport.” You know how it goes—the more publicity something gets, the more people take part, and before you know it we’ll be seeing photographs of George Lucas standing triumphantly over a deceased Wookie and a mounted Ork head on the wall of Peter Jackson’s man cave.

There are many theories as to why Spielberg killed the Triceratops. Was it for the thrill? Maybe. As the director or producer of such high-adrenaline hits as Raiders of the Lost Ark, Poltergeist, Back to the Future, Men in Black, and many others, he does seem exceptionally drawn to extreme adventure.

Or could he have done it for the money? It’s possible. He’s only a paltry 151 on the Forbes list of the richest Americans. One wise pundit noted that he probably did it for the horns. After all, the medicinal benefits of powdered Triceratops horns are well documented from cave drawings (∆∆∆ 🙂 ) to oral Neanderthal lore (“Hohgn, hohgn, hohgn, gooohgd) to the texts of medical professionals around the world (∆∆∆ 🙂 ). There’s no telling what kind of fortune could be amassed through the sale of these beneficial horns.

Perhaps the horns are what Spielberg was after, but I believe there is a more sinister explanation to the death of this beloved beast. Before we tackle that, however, we must address the elephant in the room (address it—not kill it). If dinosaurs are alive now—and they most clearly are (well, except for…)—where are they?

I believe we have all been duped for a very long time. While the official story is that the dinosaurs became extinct after an asteroid hit the earth in what was until recently called the Cretaceous-Tertiary Mass Extinction Event or K-T event, I think the evidence demonstrates that it is all an elaborate hoax.

WitLoveKath - Dinosaurs - Extinction Event

Images from Wikipedia

     Exhibit 1: While the name of the “asteroid hit” was once the Cretaceous-Tertiary Mass Extinction Event, the abbreviation is K-T event. Back in the day when Proofreaderasauruses still existed (I suppose they also were made extinct by an “asteroid hit?”), this kind of mistake would have been caught by a pterodactyl-eyed professional. Today in the Internet Period, however, errors like this roam both print and digital pages unchecked. Clearly, this “mass extinction” story was concocted recently.      

     Exhibit 2: The space-themed idea of the extinction event is no coincidence. I believe it came from the fertile mind of Steven Spielberg himself! Doesn’t it seem suspect that the extinction event is called K-T and one of Spielberg’s biggest theatrical releases is titled E-T? Obviously, Spielberg is up to his neck in the dinosaur extinction conspiracy. Flush with the success of his earlier movies Jaws and Close Encounters of the Third Kind (does anyone else see the pattern?), he never thought anyone would make the connection between E-T and K-T, and he allowed himself this little slip in originality.

So this leads us to the big question: Where are the dinosaurs? I suggest that instead of becoming extinct, they have all been captured and are being held hostage to an insatiable movie industry. They are being exploited for our enjoyment. How else can you explain the plethora of dinosaur movies dating back to the very beginnings of cinema? Did they have CGI technology back then? No! If, as we have been led to believe, all these Tyrannosaurs, Triceratops, Stegosaurus, Pachycephalosaurus, Ankylosaurs, and more died out eons ago, how have directors and cinematographers created the video for every dino film from 1914’s Gertie the Dinosaur to 2014’s Transformers: Age of Extinction (produced by none other than Steven Spielberg)?

A glance at some earlier films exposes a dark chapter in our nation’s history—one that continues to this very day. You only have to watch a few moments to wonder: If dinosaurs are really as simple and violent as the movies portray, would their fight scenes be so stilted? So transparently choreographed? Or are these traits merely stereotypes fostered by the movie industry to line their pockets?

Before you watch, I must warn you that some of the content is graphic.

Gertie the Dinosaur by Winsor McCay – 1914:

Here Gertie suffers pain and humiliating dance moves just so we can have a good laugh.

The Dinosaur and the Missing Link by Willis O’Brien – 1917:

In addition to a fight scene between a gorilla and an Apatosaurus (beginning at 4:47), this film contains the first known video of break dancing (at 4:07). And wouldn’t it have been funnier if “the drawing room of the country home,” as it is described in the film, had cave drawings on the walls?

The Ghost of Slumber Mountain by Willis O’Brien – 1918:

In this long film, an uncle tells his two nephews the story of when he, a companion, and their dog went camping on Slumber Mountain. There the uncle visits the abandoned cabin of Mad Dick, which contains books and bones of prehistoric animals. It is also haunted by Mad Dick’s ghost. In the cabin the uncle discovers a strange pair of binos, through which he can see dinos. At the 10:14 mark, the dinosaurs make their appearance. At the 14:00 mark the Triceratops enters. The action really gets going at 15:30, when a T-Rex joins the scene (if dinosaurs actually moved this slowly, they really would be extinct). A terrible struggle ensues, and once again the Triceratops is the loser.

If you read closely, you will see that the last frame at 17:57 could have used a Proofreaderasaurus. You will also see that this film employs that old dinosaur of a plot device: “it was all a dream.” Of course, since this movie is from 1918, perhaps it was a comic revelation.

The Lost World by Harry Hoyt from a story by Arthur Conan Doyle – 1925:

In this first scene, the Triceratops gives the Allosaurus his just reward

But once again the unfortunate Triceratops, after tasting a brief moment of triumph, is himself tasted.

1 Million Years B.C. by Ray Harryhausen – 1966:

In this scene a Ceratosaurus battles a Triceratops while Raquel Welch (wearing “mankind’s first bikini!”) and John Richardson (in his most defining role!) look on in horror. The most shocking thing about this clip is: who knew they had Bumpits! hair enhancers 1 million years ago?

So you can see that throughout history dinosaurs have been forced to wander forbidding landscapes, don preposterous colors, talk in ridiculous voices, hawk gasoline, perform hard labor at stone quarries, fight and “kill” one another, and, in the ultimate degradation, act alongside Jeff Goldblum. And now with Jurassic World coming hot on the heels of Spielberg’s Transformers: Age of Extinction dinobot travesty, I think the dinosaurs have said, “Enough is enough!”

WitLoveKath - Dinosaurs - We're Back, Sinclair, Flinstones

Images from Wikipedia; Flintstones clip art from picgifs.com

I think they threatened to boycott the filming. Perhaps they even broached collective bargaining. Some dinosaurs may have brains the size of walnuts, but they’re not stupid. Over the years they have earned the studios, directors, producers, and investors billions of dollars, and they deserve respect, not oblivion. Is that too much to ask?

The photograph says it all. Yes, it was. When the Triceratops came to negotiate with Spielberg in good faith, he met his end. He made the ultimate sacrifice fighting so that all his kind could live a better life. Well, I say, “You go, dinos! Let’s see them make another dinosaur movie without you.” Won’t you join me in the quest to Free the Dinosaurs!? Don’t let Tricee have died in vain.

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Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids…or is it?

25 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Travel

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Doctor Who, geekery, humor, Kim Jong-un, Mars One, Mars settlement, science fiction, space travel, Star Trek, Star Wars

A recent poll revealed that what most mothers want is a little “me time.” Ladies, I hear ya. But where to find it? I’m not really the spa type. All those attendants telling me my hair could be better, my skin softer, my shoulders more relaxed…it’s a little stressful. Besides, I can look in any mirror and know that—without paying for it.

Get my nails done? Although I’ve recently started painting my nails, I don’t relish sitting in a shop filled with the kinds of odors usually associated with industrial disasters and hazmat suits. Even the term “mani-pedi” seems more like a category on some government crime list than a relaxing outing. Going out for coffee, reading a book, or shopping for myself only reminds me of the dishes in the sink, the magazines that are piling up, and the laundry I haven’t done.

In other words, true “me time” is hard to find. So I started looking around for other opportunities, and I think I may have found the perfect solution: a trip to Mars. The Mars One Project, the brainchild of a group of scientists and marketing professionals, offers most of the qualities I value in a get-away. It promises intellectual stimulation, luxurious accommodations, exhilarating experiences, and three companionable companions, with four more added every two years. There are only a couple of downsides to this “once in a lifetimes” destination: 1) Three hours of daily exercise, and 2) you never come back.

WitLoveKath - Mars - Mars One logo II

Artistic inspiration and high end finishes complete this futuristic 6-pod settlement. Panoramic Milky Way views, new neighborhood. Designed to withstand dust storms and rogue  meteors. Underground farm, two communal living spaces. New appliances, fully furnished. www.marsoneproperties.com

Artistic inspiration and high end finishes complete this futuristic 6-pod settlement. Panoramic Milky Way views, new neighborhood. Designed to withstand dust storms and rogue meteors. Underground farm, two communal living spaces. New appliances, fully furnished.
http://www.marsoneproperties.com

Capsulated living at its best. You’ll never want (or be able) to leave this modern masterpiece of comfort. http://www.marsoneproperties.com (Images courtesy marsone.com).

Well, I thought, the idea of a world without the Kardashians, Congress, and spiders doesn’t sound too bad, so I went on the Mars One website (marsone.com) and learned that a lot of other folks have had the same idea. In fact, I would be getting at the back of a very long line; a line almost as long as the list of people who signed a petition to “remove Justin Bieber from our society.” How long is that? 200,000 people have applied to go to Mars. 200,000! Really? I mean, I know things aren’t great here on Earth, but is it really that bleak? Let’s check those top stories once more: ABC News–Arrestee’s “Handsome” Mug Shot Goes Viral; Atlanta Daily World–Beloved Felon, Jeremy Meeks’ Previous Mugshot Photos; NewNowNext–8 Celebrities Who Could Take a Lesson from Jeremy Meeks’ Mug Shot; Los Angeles Post Examiner–Jeremy Meeks Sets Internet on Fire.

WitLoveKath - Mars - empty image

Well, I don't want you to go away disappointed. Remember this guy who was kicked out of Saudia Arabia for being "too hot?" (Image courtesy sodahead.com)

Well, I don’t want you to go away disappointed. Remember this guy who was kicked out of Saudia Arabia for being “too hot?”
(Image courtesy sodahead.com)

Yyyyep. Give me that form. Last year my son filled out college applications, so I’m familiar with the invasive probing required to make it into a top-tier program. Perhaps, if this whole space travel thing takes off, they’ll institute a Common App accepted by all planets in the solar system. And while the first launch to Mars is priced at $6 billion, slightly less than a Harvard degree, the cost will be offset by selling souvenirs (including T-shirts, mugs, laser engravings, hoodies, stickers, and posters), collecting donations (which, as of May 8, 2014, add up to $573,923, including $1.00 from Bosnia and Herzegovina—come on, guys. Couldn’t you both give a dollar?), and a timeworn…I mean, time honored…idea that  I will reveal to you later, but about which you might now sense the specter of Simon Cowell and have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach.

WitLovekath - Mars - Souveniers

So I sat down with the website to begin my journey to Mars. There were several questions I wanted answered. First: did I qualify? I learned there are five key characteristics to being a Marstronaut (©witlovekath.com). These are Resiliency, Adaptability, Curiosity, Ability to Trust, and Creativity/Resourcefulness. These seem pretty straightforward, but upon delving into the definitions, I began to feel the first pricks of fear that I don’t have what it takes:

Under Resiliency: Your thought processes are persistent. Would they accept me, I wondered, if they knew I often reheat my tea in the microwave and forget it then run around the house looking for my mug before finally abandoning the idea of tea, only to find the mug the next day when I open the door to cook peas for dinner?

"Ugh! There it is!"

“Ugh! There it is!”

Under Adaptability: You adapt to situations and individuals while taking into account the context of the situation. I can only hope they haven’t seen me waiting behind someone at a stoplight who doesn’t move when the light turns green  because they’re texting, eating, talking, or can’t see above the dashboard .

Go!  (Image courtesy smarthdriving.co.uk)

“Go!”
(Image courtesy smarthdriving.co.uk)

Under Creativity: Your humor is a creative resource, used appropriately as an emerging contextual response. Never have I heard humor described in such a depressing way. I can just imagine my interview:

Interviewer: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: To get to the other side?

Interviewer: Wrong! There are no roads on Mars. Your answer is clearly inappropriate and contextually ludicrous….

Me: But…but…can’t you adapt to me as an individual while taking into account the context of this situation?

Interviewer: Nice try. You can see yourself out. Next!

I’ve always considered myself pretty well qualified for any task (except brain surgery. Well, okay, heart surgery might be a little tricky too), but after pitting myself against the requirements of the Mars One Project, my confidence was a little rattled. I decided, however, to persevere (bullet two under Resiliency) and check out my competition.

I navigated my way to the “supporters” link to check them out. To say it’s an eclectic bunch is akin to saying Comic Cons are a hotbed of diversity. By and large, the applicants are fans of Star Trek (one hopeful is even sporting a natty Star Trek uniform in his profile pic), Star Wars, Jules Verne, Lost in Space, and Doctor Who; they have degrees in or are interested in astrosciences, computers, engineering, science fiction, and music; and want to be—as stated by one eloquent candidate—“an intergalactic representation of humanity.” Much as, I imagine, the shadows on the walls were a representation of people in Plato’s allegorical cave. Or were they actually people? Hmmm.

(Image courtesy litigationps.com)

(Image courtesy litigationps.com)

Indeed, philosophical debate is another top interest among the applicants, which is good because finding answers to issues such as: “how do I remain sane during the 20 minutes it takes each click of the computer mouse to be registered on Earth,” may take some discussion. And lest anyone fear that  religous differences will divide the colony, there is this reassurance: “Mars colonization is not about faith, but about human ingenuity and vision.” If voyaging to Mars is not a leap of faith, I don’t know what is, but I guess that’s just me.

Reading on, however, I began to see that maybe I was taking the idea of populating Mars way too seriously. Whereas I was trying to compile a list of interests that would let the reviewers know I could help a colony survive the forbidding landscape, most contenders include hobbys like these: dainty sandals (did I miss the news that Nordstrom has been discovered on the red planet?), creating a Mars music album, dancing, witnessing the Zidane goal against Bayern in the UEFA final, attracting women, and juggling (did I mention the 60% less gravity?).

(Images courtesy blackgossip.org, theguardian.com, and ou.edu)

(Images courtesy blackgossip.org, theguardian.com, and ou.edu)

Well, in December 2013, 1,058 candidates were culled from the original pool of 200,000 and asked to complete two tasks. Successful contenders will go on to the next round in the process. What arduous challenges await our intrepid wanna-be explorers? Will they have to “dis” ex-New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez without getting gunned down?, give North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un a new haircut?, or sing the Star Spangled Banner on key?

The Supreme Haircut... (Image courtesy itv.com)

The Supreme Haircut…
(Image courtesy itv.com)

,,,on second thought, it really does look attractive on anyone. (Images courtesy mumbrella.asia. and nydailynews.com)

,,,on second thought, it really does look attractive on anyone.
(Images courtesy mumbrella.asia. and nydailynews.com)

No. Only these two trials stand between them and their dream: 1) opening their applicant profile to the public (which any 2-year-old can do) and 2) providing a medical statement of health from their physician. Ah! Now the need for a sense of humor becomes clear. Shall we all laugh together? Haaaaaahaaahaaaaaaa!! Any American who can slog through the morass of automated phone systems, paperwork, scheduling delays, waiting rooms, and insurance payment options to get a physical would be well-qualified for a place on the Mars One team.

From this pool of 1,058, 418 men and 287 women will be selected by “experts.” Yes, the glass ceiling just got 57 million miles higher. But how will the final lucky few be chosen? You know what’s coming. Deep down, you know. Yes—through a Television Reality Program. You, I, and “the entire world” will vote for Our Favorite Martians. In the first round, the TV viewers will pick the individual Marstronauts. In the second the Marstronauts will be divided into teams of four, and the audience will decide which team travels to Mars first.

Each team member will have a special duty. One person will be trained in the way of Mars geology; another will learn “exobiology,” or the biology of alien life (don’t they get it? We will be the alien life); and two will be trained as physicians. Yeah, they too saw the episodes where Bones lingers near death or suffers temporary insanity. Lesson learned.

(Images courtesy of fanpop.com and spacemancentral.com)

(Images courtesy of fanpop.com and spacemancentral.com)

Okay, so say I make it all the way. Hey, it happened to Lee DeWyze. No? Taylor Hicks? Kris Allen? Never mind. So I’m on Mars, having flown for seven months in a locker-sized capsule, where wet-wipes “baths” and freeze-dried food make this voyage more luxurious than that for “the explorers that sailed with Columbus across the Atlantic in 1492.” Kind of a blast from the past. What will I do there? According to the website, first, I will build—using “methodologies to produce habitable volume from mostly Martian materials,” i.e. dust. My goal will be to construct “a space 10 meters wide by 50 meters long,” where I will live and “also grow trees.” No word, yet, on how tall this structure will be. When I’m settled in I’ll conduct research, not only for mankind, but also for universities, where I try to answer the big questions, such as “is there life on Mars now?” The answer—just off the top of my head—would be “Yes. Me and three other life forms.”

Or is this a trick question to determine if I am “transferring knowledge to others, not simply showcasing what I  know or what others do not” (bullet two under Curiosity) or am “flexible in how an issue/problem/situation is approached” (bullet one under Creativity/Resourcefulness).

My leisure hours—and hours—will be spent watching the six favorite websites I chose to upload to the Mars habitat web server before I left home (you know–TMZ, E!, Amazon.co.mars, YouTube, ummmm…) and—because stepping outside without wearing my space suit is an automatic death sentence—doing the kinds of indoor things I did on Earth. Good Grief! Isn’t that what I went to Mars to get away from?

Whatever, I’m still ready and rarin’ to go. I may be too late for the first launch, but I know I’ll be in contention for the second. So don’t forget to vote for me at 866-GO2-MARS. I’m already packed, and because you just never know, I’m bringing my dainty sandals.

WitLoveKath - Mars - Mars One logo

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Yes. No. Maybe. Whatever.

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Aliens, Doctor Who, Hobbit, humor, National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration, Ood, Ooze, The Doctor

What you are about to read may seem shocking or even frightening, but forewarned is forearmed, as they say, and so I must tell you: the aliens have landed. And these are no ordinary aliens. They are shape shifters, and they creep among us now—today—undetected until they try to communicate.

While a haze of ambiguity surrounds this strange species, they are similar to the Ood, an extraterrestrial race encountered by The Doctor on his travels through time and space.

WitLoveKath - The Ooze - Ood

Images courtesy of bbc.co.uk

Images courtesy of bbc.co.uk

The Ood live only to please. This new species yearns to be all things to all people. Their name? The Ooze. In Doctor Who the Ood are kept as servants, performing tasks for future generations of the universe. In real life here on Earth, the Ooze have free reign and have seeped into every facet of life—politics, advertising, the office, chat rooms, websites—everywhere, in fact, that people come together.

I first suspected an invasion by the Ooze when I read this insightful weather prediction released this week by the National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration: Because of a lack of influential factors such as El Niño and La Niña, this winter will be warm or it will be cold; there will be rain or there will not be rain; it will snow or it will not snow.

WitLoveKath - The Ooze - NOAA map

Image courtesy of NOAA

Not long after reading that, my worst fears of wholesale conquest by the Ooze were confirmed when I received this communiqué from their leader:

“Hello I carefully read your profile, but I didn’t see a secret recipe to win your heart, so I will have to think of something on my own.”

Classic Ooze! I was able to resist the simultaneous optimistic/ominous tone of this missive, however, because I don’t have a secret recipe, but if I did I’m pretty sure the ingredients wouldn’t include sap.

Besides, here’s the profile from my language learning site that this Oozian so “carefully” perused: “I want to learn German because I am of German heritage and I would like to travel to Germany.” Yeowza! That really gets the blood boiling doesn’t it?

He continues:                                                                                                            “I hardly come online here because of my work. My friends say I am tall, clever, funny and interesting. Write me back and find out yourself.”

Oh, those Ooze—so insecure about their height. You’d think they were from Hobbiton. Anyway, like my kids say, “No thank you” to writing back.

But how exactly do I know this guy is the leader of the Ooze? Check out his profile:

“I am a person who is positive about every aspect of life. There are many things I like to do, to see, and to experience. I like to read, I like to write; I like to think, I like to dream; I like to talk, I like to listen. I like to see the sunrise in the morning, I like to see the moonlight at night; I like to feel the music flowing on my face, I like to smell the wind coming from the ocean. I like to look at the clouds in the sky with a blank mind, I like to do thought experiment when I cannot sleep in the middle of the night. I like flowers in spring, rain in summer, leaves in autumn, and snow in winter. I like to sleep early, I like to get up late; I like to be alone, I like to be surrounded by people.”

…I like to look up. I like to look down.

…I like to walk forward. I like to walk backward.

…I like to like you. I like to like the hundred other girls I sent this to.

So beware! The Ooze are here. The Ooze are there. Unfortunately, the Ooze are everywhere.

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