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Wit Love, Kath

~ My love letters about the funny side of life

Wit Love, Kath

Tag Archives: Cyber Monday

The What! Really?! Just For You Best Gift Pick Post – free shipping!

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Holidays, Shopping

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Christmas shopping, Cyber Monday, Hammacher Schlemmer, holiday shopping, humor

I am so sorry. I told myself I wasn’t going to write this post this year, but, seriously, they make it just too darn irresistible. Who is “they?” Hammacher Schlemmer, of course. I have successfully ignored their daily missives touting subject lines such as “The Bearded Beanie,” “The Glow in the Dark Driver Ejecting Bumpercrafts,” “The Darth Vader Toaster,” and “The Only Exterior Pocket Impervious Carry On” (is this suitcase impervious to all pockets? Outside pockets only? Or what?).  But one morning I read “The Life Size Tyrannosaurus Skeleton,” and in a nostalgic reverie, thinking back to the days when my son would have loved to have this, I clicked.

Can’t you imagine how much the neighbors would love you if this were standing in your back yard? You’re right—maybe the front yard would be better.

Can’t you imagine how much the neighbors would love you if this were standing in your back yard? You’re right—maybe the front yard would be better.

Well, woe be unto me—for with that one click, I was hooked. What’s fascinating to me is not so much the items themselves, but the people who would buy them. I mean who has $100,000 to plunk down on a T-rex skeleton? Maybe this is how those Powerball lottery winners squander their $365 million jackpots.

So here we go. Whether you buy these items for yourself or give them to family or friends, each and every one of these “original” or “unexpected” products is guaranteed to stun and amaze. Of course, before you can put presents under the tree, you need the tree.

Why settle for those old, boring triangular things found in nature when you can show off your inner fashionista? Be careful, though. A couple of misfortunately hung globe ornaments could have decency Santa climbing down the chimney instead of gift-giving Santa.

Why settle for those old, boring triangular things found in nature when you can show off your inner fashionista? Be careful, though. A couple of misfortunately hung globe ornaments could have decency Santa climbing down the chimney instead of gift-giving Santa.

Or maybe this is more to your liking:

If you just can’t get enough of the Nutcracker during the holidays, perhaps you’d like to give this tree a spin. Yes, the “ballerina” pirouettes 360 degrees. Wouldn’t “balletreena” have been a better name? Hellooo….Hammacher Schlemmer…I am available as a freelance copywriter.

If you just can’t get enough of the Nutcracker during the holidays, perhaps you’d like to give this tree a spin. Yes, the “ballerina” pirouettes 360 degrees. Wouldn’t “balletreena” have been a better name? Hellooo….Hammacher Schlemmer…I am available as a freelance copywriter.

No one, however, does a spinning Christmas tree quite like our English cousins.

In Doctor Who’s 2005 Christmas special, Christmas Invasion, murderous rotating conifers threaten London, and in an ironic twist manage to lop off quite a few human limbs in the process. Those Brits just love a bloody good holiday.

In Doctor Who’s 2005 Christmas special, Christmas Invasion, murderous rotating conifers threaten London, and in an ironic twist manage to lop off quite a few human limbs in the process. Those Brits just love a bloody good holiday.

If you’re at the mall or the airport or the train station and you’re plumb worn out, why not take a little snooze? No pillow? No problem. This handy gadget makes slipping off into dreamland so easy.

Put it on. Go on, no one will laugh. They may steal your suitcase, computer bag, shopping bags, or purse, but really…no one’s laughing. They’re too busy taking your picture and uploading it to the Internet. 

Put it on. Go ahead. No one will laugh. People may steal your suitcase, computer bag, shopping bags, or purse, but really…no one’s laughing. They’re too busy snapping your picture and uploading it to the Internet.

Yeah, the Internet can be a scary place, what with all the hacking and…oh, wait, that’s just the cat spitting up a hairball. So, well…you know what I mean. You never know if your information is secure. Hammacher Schlemmer’s solution? The Morse Code Signal Lamp.

I foresee a whole new industry opening up in the STEM universe: Science, Technology, Engineering, and Morse Code. Pretty soon we’ll see babies hauling around Morse Code lamps and wonder whatever happened to the good ol’ days when they learned how to play apps and keyboard before age 2. Next year I fully expect the Hammacher Schlemmer  catalog to include The Original Smoke Signal Kit.

I foresee a whole new industry opening up in the STEM universe: Science, Technology, Engineering, and Morse Code. Pretty soon we’ll see babies hauling around Morse Code lamps and wonder whatever happened to the good ol’ days when they learned how to play apps and keyboard before age 2. Next year I fully expect the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog to include The Original Smoke Signal Kit.

After all this worrying, don’t you feel in the need for a little refreshment? Step up to the buffet and enjoy – as Hammacher Schlemmer puts it – “two-fisted noshing.” But how to hold the wine? That’s right—in a little holster slung around your neck.

I see just one itty-bitty problem. If both hands are occupied, how do you lift the glass to your lips? Perhaps they could include a straw? It could be one of those twisty straws or one that changes color as liquid passes through it. Something fun. A conversation starter. Because the glass hanging around your neck won’t be enough.

I see just one itty-bitty problem. If both hands are occupied, how do you lift the glass to your lips? Perhaps they could include a straw? It could be one of those twisty straws or one that changes color as liquid passes through it. Something fun. A conversation starter. Because the glass hanging around your neck won’t be enough.

So now you’re a little tipsy, or maybe you’re just unsteady on your feet. Grab these Wheeled Walking Poles and go!

All I have to say is if the time ever comes when I need training wheels again, will someone please put me out of my misery? All images courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer

All I have to say is if the time ever comes when I need training wheels again, will someone please put me out of my misery?
All images courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer

Credit cards at the ready? Great! ‘Cause these and more astounding must-haves are waiting just a click away.

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Shopping for the Whirrfect Woman

18 Monday Nov 2013

Posted by Kath Carroll in Holidays, Shopping

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Apple Store, China, Cyber Monday, humor, JCPenney, Shopping, Singles Day

In 1968 Harry Nilsson sang, “one is the loneliest number…” Well, now comes confirmation via a story by Shanshan Wang and Eric Pfanner in the New York Times that old Harry had it right. And nowhere is this loneliness more evident than in China. All over that vast nation, male progeny of the “one child rule” are struggling to find a girlfriend. Or maybe they just can’t see the available girls through the smog.

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - smog

Whatever. These poor guys are so forlorn that November 11 has become known as “Singles Day” for the utter melancholy “symbolized by the four lonely 1s of 11/11” (can you imagine the despair of 1/11/11? thank goodness it only came once), and on that day they turn to a deviant and unnatural act for consolation—shopping.

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - logo II

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - online shopping computer II

Now, I have a son and I know all about males and shopping. If you can get them inside the doors of a store, whatever their eyes light upon first is what they will buy. Whether the size is three times too small or three times too big, the shirt or pants fit “good.” I fully blame this phenomenon for the cultural touchstone so often seen on our streets and in our malls: low-slung jeans. These hip orbiters are not a fad, they are the result of severe dressingroomaphobia.

Once while shopping for new school clothes, an Indian woman, a Hispanic woman, I, and our respective sons all ended up in the jeans department of JCPenney. As we women looked around at each other, our common expression of long-suffering exasperation told us that we were kindred spirits and that cultural differences held no sway. We exchanged knowing smiles, understanding that given half a chance mothers like us could unite the world; for there is no more persuasive power on earth than a mother talking to her son in a clothing store.

In fact, the Hispanic woman and her son were locked in just such a negotiation as my daughter and I pretended to seriously compare the 700 styles of Levis while waiting for my son. The teenager, slouching and with his eyes downcast, mumbled some incantation that would render him invisible or at least smite those who witnessed him Out In Public With His Mother, while the woman intoned, “Try them on. Just. Try. Them. On.” And as I knew he would, because I had just been through the same bonding ritual with my dear boy, he shuffled off toward those “rooms of doom.”

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - Dressing Room

Soon, we heard a door open and six pairs of eyes simultaneously turned toward the sound. My son appeared with the new jeans bunched in his hands. “How did they fit?” I asked, although I suspected he had just stood in the room for what he deemed an appropriate amount of time before coming out. “Good,” he mumbled, slouching and with eyes downcast. So we bought them and he wears them and I don’t ask when he hitches them up.

But now it seems Chinese retailers have overcome “male shopping aversion syndrome” by understanding one simple fact: men can easily “seek solace for their single status by buying electronic devices and other gear.” Thus, “Singles Day” has become a mammoth shopping day that makes Cyber Monday look like a child’s lemonade stand. This year Alibaba, the Chinese company that owns Tmall (the T-rex of online retailers) processed more than $5.75 billion payments.

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - Tmall online II

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - packages

So the truth is out. Who needs a real woman when you can take your new computer, smart phone, smart phone watch, tablet, television, gaming system, meat thermometer, 3D printer, wireless speaker ear warmers, GPS, “Call Me Gloves” (“Hey, Baby, can you come over and shovel my driveway for me?”), distance calculating talking golf caddy…well, you get the picture…back to your man cave for a little quality time?

WitLoveKath - Singles Day - call me gloves

This is, of course, no secret—just peer into any Apple Store any time any day of any week. It just took the Chinese to truly capitalize on it. But there was one more compelling (disturbing?) statistic from this year’s “Singles Day” extravaganza: also sold were 1.6 million bras and 2 million pairs of panties. Coincidence? I think not. The mind reels at what kind of hybrid electronowoman is being created by those lonelyhearted men.

I’m sure the folks at Apple are taking note. Can iMackenzie be far behind?

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