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Wit Love, Kath

~ My love letters about the funny side of life

Wit Love, Kath

Tag Archives: holiday shopping

“Up To the Door”—A Modern Christmas Carol

20 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Holidays, Music, Parodies, Shopping

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Christmas, Christmas carol parody, Christmas shopping, holiday shopping, humor, packages stolen off porch, Up On the Housetop parody

                                                        Up To the Door                                                            (sung to the tune of Up On the Housetop)

Up to the door the driver springs.
Ding, dong, ding the doorbell rings
You’re not at home to take the package,
Leaving it ripe for old-school hackage.

Ho, ho, ho!
I run tiptoe.
Ho, ho, ho!
No one will know.
Up to the porch and,
Quick, quick, quick,
The presents you ordered
Have just been nicked.

First…Hey!…An iPhone for little Nell,
Or on Ebay it could sell.
With all that money I’d be rich—
Could gorge on champagne and a cheese sandwich.

Chorus

Next…Wow!…an X-box for little Will.
Destiny ain’t just a game, I feel.
Oh! Christmas morning will be so jolly.
Of course, for you it will be melancholy.

Chorus

Dang! You ain’t near the fool I thought.
On home surveillance I was caught.
My face is splashed across the news.
I’ll be sent down to pay my dues.

Ho, ho, ho!
I’m such a schmo.
Ho, ho, ho!
How could I know?
Though in the joint
I’ll take some mocking,
I’ve learned next year to
Wear a stocking.

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The What! Really?! Just For You Best Gift Pick Post – free shipping!

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Holidays, Shopping

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Tags

Christmas shopping, Cyber Monday, Hammacher Schlemmer, holiday shopping, humor

I am so sorry. I told myself I wasn’t going to write this post this year, but, seriously, they make it just too darn irresistible. Who is “they?” Hammacher Schlemmer, of course. I have successfully ignored their daily missives touting subject lines such as “The Bearded Beanie,” “The Glow in the Dark Driver Ejecting Bumpercrafts,” “The Darth Vader Toaster,” and “The Only Exterior Pocket Impervious Carry On” (is this suitcase impervious to all pockets? Outside pockets only? Or what?).  But one morning I read “The Life Size Tyrannosaurus Skeleton,” and in a nostalgic reverie, thinking back to the days when my son would have loved to have this, I clicked.

Can’t you imagine how much the neighbors would love you if this were standing in your back yard? You’re right—maybe the front yard would be better.

Can’t you imagine how much the neighbors would love you if this were standing in your back yard? You’re right—maybe the front yard would be better.

Well, woe be unto me—for with that one click, I was hooked. What’s fascinating to me is not so much the items themselves, but the people who would buy them. I mean who has $100,000 to plunk down on a T-rex skeleton? Maybe this is how those Powerball lottery winners squander their $365 million jackpots.

So here we go. Whether you buy these items for yourself or give them to family or friends, each and every one of these “original” or “unexpected” products is guaranteed to stun and amaze. Of course, before you can put presents under the tree, you need the tree.

Why settle for those old, boring triangular things found in nature when you can show off your inner fashionista? Be careful, though. A couple of misfortunately hung globe ornaments could have decency Santa climbing down the chimney instead of gift-giving Santa.

Why settle for those old, boring triangular things found in nature when you can show off your inner fashionista? Be careful, though. A couple of misfortunately hung globe ornaments could have decency Santa climbing down the chimney instead of gift-giving Santa.

Or maybe this is more to your liking:

If you just can’t get enough of the Nutcracker during the holidays, perhaps you’d like to give this tree a spin. Yes, the “ballerina” pirouettes 360 degrees. Wouldn’t “balletreena” have been a better name? Hellooo….Hammacher Schlemmer…I am available as a freelance copywriter.

If you just can’t get enough of the Nutcracker during the holidays, perhaps you’d like to give this tree a spin. Yes, the “ballerina” pirouettes 360 degrees. Wouldn’t “balletreena” have been a better name? Hellooo….Hammacher Schlemmer…I am available as a freelance copywriter.

No one, however, does a spinning Christmas tree quite like our English cousins.

In Doctor Who’s 2005 Christmas special, Christmas Invasion, murderous rotating conifers threaten London, and in an ironic twist manage to lop off quite a few human limbs in the process. Those Brits just love a bloody good holiday.

In Doctor Who’s 2005 Christmas special, Christmas Invasion, murderous rotating conifers threaten London, and in an ironic twist manage to lop off quite a few human limbs in the process. Those Brits just love a bloody good holiday.

If you’re at the mall or the airport or the train station and you’re plumb worn out, why not take a little snooze? No pillow? No problem. This handy gadget makes slipping off into dreamland so easy.

Put it on. Go on, no one will laugh. They may steal your suitcase, computer bag, shopping bags, or purse, but really…no one’s laughing. They’re too busy taking your picture and uploading it to the Internet. 

Put it on. Go ahead. No one will laugh. People may steal your suitcase, computer bag, shopping bags, or purse, but really…no one’s laughing. They’re too busy snapping your picture and uploading it to the Internet.

Yeah, the Internet can be a scary place, what with all the hacking and…oh, wait, that’s just the cat spitting up a hairball. So, well…you know what I mean. You never know if your information is secure. Hammacher Schlemmer’s solution? The Morse Code Signal Lamp.

I foresee a whole new industry opening up in the STEM universe: Science, Technology, Engineering, and Morse Code. Pretty soon we’ll see babies hauling around Morse Code lamps and wonder whatever happened to the good ol’ days when they learned how to play apps and keyboard before age 2. Next year I fully expect the Hammacher Schlemmer  catalog to include The Original Smoke Signal Kit.

I foresee a whole new industry opening up in the STEM universe: Science, Technology, Engineering, and Morse Code. Pretty soon we’ll see babies hauling around Morse Code lamps and wonder whatever happened to the good ol’ days when they learned how to play apps and keyboard before age 2. Next year I fully expect the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog to include The Original Smoke Signal Kit.

After all this worrying, don’t you feel in the need for a little refreshment? Step up to the buffet and enjoy – as Hammacher Schlemmer puts it – “two-fisted noshing.” But how to hold the wine? That’s right—in a little holster slung around your neck.

I see just one itty-bitty problem. If both hands are occupied, how do you lift the glass to your lips? Perhaps they could include a straw? It could be one of those twisty straws or one that changes color as liquid passes through it. Something fun. A conversation starter. Because the glass hanging around your neck won’t be enough.

I see just one itty-bitty problem. If both hands are occupied, how do you lift the glass to your lips? Perhaps they could include a straw? It could be one of those twisty straws or one that changes color as liquid passes through it. Something fun. A conversation starter. Because the glass hanging around your neck won’t be enough.

So now you’re a little tipsy, or maybe you’re just unsteady on your feet. Grab these Wheeled Walking Poles and go!

All I have to say is if the time ever comes when I need training wheels again, will someone please put me out of my misery? All images courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer

All I have to say is if the time ever comes when I need training wheels again, will someone please put me out of my misery?
All images courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer

Credit cards at the ready? Great! ‘Cause these and more astounding must-haves are waiting just a click away.

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Keep Calm and Stand In Line

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Holidays, Random Thoughts, Shopping

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

checkout lines, ear buds, holiday shopping, humor, Jennifer Aniston, patience, Shopping, Taylor Swift

Checkout lines are my nemesis, and like Professor Moriarty stalking Sherlock Holmes or Wile E. Coyote hunting Roadrunner, I never know in what dastardly way one is going to get me. Usually it’s the short, mild-mannered line that turns out to be my downfall.

I step into place expecting a quick exit only to be thwarted by someone staring off into space as the clerk rings up and bags the items and announces the total. The customer, taken completely unawares, shakes him or herself from their reverie and pulls out a checkbook (checks? Really? It’s 2014 for crying out loud!). S-l-o-w-l-y they write the date (“what day is it again?”), the store (“how do you spell Stop and Shop?”, the amount (“how much did you say it is?”), and finally they sign their name. Then they go through the whole routine again in their register. Fire Ants climbing my legs couldn’t make me any more twitchy than I am watching this performance.

WitLoveKath - Snippets - check

A close second might be customers who thrust into the cashier’s hand a soggy wad of coupons that need to be separated, flattened out, turned around, and scanned and which invariably contain several that don’t compute because they are for multiple items or are expired. Then ensues a negotiation worthy of Congress—that’s right, no go on either side. Or there’s a sluggish amble to the back of the store to pick up the missing items. Either way, time is wasting, people!

"Do you have any coupons?" "Here you go. You can figure out which ones I can use, right?"

“Do you have any coupons?”
“Here you go. You can figure out which ones I can use, right?”

And don’t even get me started about waiting on the phone listening to some ear-splitting “music” or a happy voice telling me everything the company can do for me except answer the phone. Why can’t someone devise a way for your phone to access your own playlist to enjoy while you wait? Shark Tank, anyone?

It’s only a couple of minutes, you might say. But a few minutes here and a few minutes there add up to—wait a minute while I dig my phone out of my purse and turn it on and access the calculator…oops that’s the flashlight…and plug in the numbers…darn, hit the wrong button…there that’s right…and get an answer—an eternity. Aaack! And I still have so much to do!

Before I completely go off the rails, though, I’m trying to learn to be more chill. One way I now do this in the checkout lane at Stop & Shop is to turn my attention away from other shoppers and toward the tabloid racks—and you know what I see? Jennifer Aniston. Every. Single. Week.  In Every. Single. Magazine. I’m not a huge Jennifer Aniston fan. I never understood the obsession with her hair, and as for Brad? He’s better off. Still, I am not without sympathy. This poor woman has been pregnant for 4 years straight—without ever giving birth. This story puts the old “My Baby Is an Alien” reports to shame. Or maybe….Nahhh. And what about her marriage already? If she and Justin are waiting for that baby to be born, they may as well forget it.

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen Pregnant VI

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jennifer Aniston Pregnant together II

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jennifer Aniston Pregnant together I

At least Mary had Joseph

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen Pregnant VII

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen and Justin II

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen and Justin III

These two appeared in the same week. So, ok, I give up. Which is it?

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen Pregnant V

We could only be so lucky, but I think In Touch and Ok! would go out of business.

We could only be so lucky, but I think In Touch and Ok! and Us Weekly would go out of business.

While I cool my heels, I also think about my next story or blog post. Sometimes, my brain contains only a bunch of fragments, which, like young children at recess, beg to get out but defy organization. Now, as the holidays approach, is just such a time. So I’m going to release a few of those snippets that jumped around in my mind like Santa’s reindeer from roof to roof as I idled at Target, Books-A-Million, and Michaels Arts and Crafts this week.

1. In August Taylor Swift released her video for “Shake it Off,” which created a big brouhaha with critics and online commentators. One day while tooling along the road to Target, Jenny and I were discussing the song and the video when an inverted skyscraper of a city bus entered traffic from a side street. As the bus loomed into my lane, I slammed on the brakes, experiencing the kind of terror Captain Ahab must have felt when Moby Dick thrashed his tiny whaleboat. At the last second—our vehicles side-by-side—the bus driver righted her leviathan into its own lane with military precision. I felt a little shaky. Not from the near-miss obliteration but from the knowledge that one of my last words on earth would have been “twerking.”

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Taylor Swift

2. Here is a jacket that Jenny ordered recently. How long do designers think an extra small petite woman’s arms are?

WitLoveKath - Snippets - Jen's Jacket

3. Speaking of petite: When will someone make ear buds with a cord short enough so they don’t catch on everything or become infuriatingly tangled the moment you put them down. I swear those things are alive. Shark Tank, anyone?

WitLoveKath - Snippets - cord II

WitLoveKath - Snippets - cord I

WitLoveKath - Snippets - cord III

4. I will leave you now with one more piece of evidence that the Thanksgiving holiday will one day be as extinct as T-rex: Auto correct on my iPhone capitalizes Black Friday but doesn’t recognize Thanksgiving.

 

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