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Wit Love, Kath

~ My love letters about the funny side of life

Wit Love, Kath

Category Archives: Technology

When Your Whole World Crashes

29 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by Kath Carroll in Computers, Humor, Pop Culture, Satire, Technology

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Computers, humor, Information Technology, Inspiron 1545, satire, Technology

I’ve spent time in the Emergency Room twice this month and witnessed my share of human pain and misery, but nothing could prepare me for the anguish I’ve suffered recently.

Tragedy struck at the most unexpected and inconvenient time, as these things so often do. I had left the room for only a minute and returned to find my loved one unresponsive. Just a glance told me emergency services were required, and I dialed immediately. It must have been a busy night because it seemed like a lifetime before help arrived. At first the specialists’ authoritative voices were reassuring, but their patter soon faded to a buzz amid the unbearable worry. Finally, wires were connected—how could there be so many of them?—and then the waiting began.

As with any loss of this magnitude, my thoughts bounced from emotion to emotion. I remembered the long life we’d shared—all the memories, fun times, and work completed together. But there were self-recriminations too. Why had I pushed so many buttons? Couldn’t I see that the load was too heavy?

The minutes turned to hours and the hours turned to days as each remedy failed. The idea surfaced of a replacement. But it was too early to think that way—much too early.

The tears flowed freely, but I had to accept that age had taken its toll. At last after several days of darkness, the ultimate decision had to be made. With a saddened heart I pulled the plug.

Rest in Peace, Inspiron 1545, 2009 – 2016 .

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Selfie Tips for the Accident Prone

11 Saturday Jul 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Books, Health, Humor, Parodies, Photography, Pop Culture, Technology, Travel

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Tags

Dr. Seuss, Green Eggs and Ham, humor, Parody, photography, Russian Safe Selfie guide, safe selfies, satire, selfies

It seems that selfies are on the defensive these days. Selfie sticks have been banned at Disney World parks, major museums, Lollapalooza, the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona (wouldn’t it be embarrassing to be gored by a selfie stick instead of a bull?) and many world landmarks. Now the Russian Interior Ministry has published a Safe Selfies guide after hundreds have been injured and dozens killed while attempting to get the perfect pic.

In one recent incident a woman shot herself in the head while posing with a gun. (Can you pat your head and rub your tummy? If not, don’t try this! Which hand is for the camera and which for the trigger again?) In June a young man was injured when he brought down a statue of Vladimir Lenin while capturing a special moment. Viva la Revolution! (Or Russian words to that effect. Who knew the solution was so simple?)

In addition to the Kremlin’s campaign, a group named For Security wants the Education and Science Ministry to add a Safe Selfie curriculum to Russian schools. Lessons would be taught by police, psychologists, and professional photographers. Other real victims’ stories suggest they should get some medical professionals (“If you blow your hand off with a grenade, use this tourniquet.”) and wild animal specialists (“When posing with a snake, ensure it’s not poisonous—beforehand.”) involved as well.

Of course, America has its own safety-challenged photographers. Perhaps we should also rethink our classrooms and introduce STEM: Selfie Techniques to Eliminate Mishaps. We do not want to fall behind our comrades in these important skills.

But how about our littlest photographers? How will we keep them safe? Maybe this reworking of a beloved classic, with the aid of the Russian guide, will help. (Thanks and apologies to Dr. Seuss.)

A Selfie Ham

WitLoveKath - Selfies - I am Sam

 

I am Sam.

A selfie ham.

 

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - reading II

 

That Sam-I-am!

That Sam-I-am!

I just don’t get

That Sam-I-am!

I’d never be a selfie ham.

 

 

Can I take one

WitLoveKath - Selfies - Washington Monument

 

here?

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - snake

 

 

Or there?

 

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - Dr. Seuss holding hand up

 

You should not take one

Here or there.

You should not take one anywhere.

You should not be a selfie ham.

You should not be one Sam-I-am.

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - on a house

 

Can I take one on a house?

Can I take one with a mouse?

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - houseWitLoveKath - Selfies - animals

 

Not on a house.

Not with a mouse.

Do not take one here or there

Do not take one anywhere.

Do not be a selfie ham

Do not be one, Sam-I-am.

 

 

Can I? Should I?

With a gun?

I will! I’ll take it!

I’ll have fun!

Hey! You may like it.

Show some flair!

Let us take one on the stairs!

WitLoveKath - Selfies - stairs

 

We should not, cannot on the stairs!

WitLoveKath - Selfies - gun

 

Or with a gun! Don’t take dares!

You should not be a selfie ham.

You should not be one, Sam-I-am.

WitLoveKath - Selfies - train DS

 

 

A train! A train! A train! A train!

Can I, should I on a train?

WitLoveKath - Selfies - on a train

 

 

 

Not on a train! Not on the stairs!

Not with a gun! Sam, no one cares!

 

Say! On a tower? A power tower?

Can I, should I on a tower?

Should I, can I on a cliff?

WitLoveKath - Selfies - cliff Russian

 

You should not, cannot on a cliff

WitLoveKath - Selfies - electical tower

 

 

 

Not on a tower. Not on a train.

Not on the stairs. Not with a gun.

You should not take them, Sam. Not one!

WitLoveKath - Selfies - goat

 

 

Can I, can I with a goat?

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - boat Dr. Seuss

 

Should I, could I on a boat?

 

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - boatYou should not, could not on a boat.

You should not be a selfie ham.

You should not be one Sam-I-am.

 

You do not like them so you say.

Take one! Take one! And you may.

Take one and you may, I say.

WitLoveKath - Selfies - let me be

 

 

Sam! If you will let me be, I will take one. You will see.

 

 

 

 

WitLoveKath - Selfies - I like itSay!

I like to be a selfie ham!

I do! I like it, Sam-I-am!

But I will take one in a floatie

And I will take one with a goatee.

I will take one in my bed.

And one that will not leave me dead.

I will take one in a train

And clear Amtrak of any blame.

I will hold de-clawed kittens,

But only if I’m wearing mittens.

And I will pose in bubble wrap,

But leave an eye and breathing flap.

I will take them here and there.

But never once just anywhere.

I so like being a selfie ham!

With proper precautions,

Sam-I-am.

*All images of Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss courtesy of seuss.wikia.com

**All images of Russian Safe Selfie Guide courtesy of Ministry of Internal Affairs RF

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When enough is not enough – BWapp it!

09 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Children, Geekery, Journalism, News, Parodies, Shopping, Technology, Travel

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Brian Williams, Burger King, childbirth, humor, Jay Leno, John Lithgow, journalism, Kate Middleton, news, Oprah, Stedman Graham

I don’t usually rush to use new technology or jump on a fad, but this Brian Williamization app—iBWapp—has me pretty excited. To get noticed today, enough is just not enough. You need flash!, glitz!, glamour! iBWapp gives it to you!  Simply type in or record one of your old, boring anecdotes, and BWapp!—you’re provided with an elaborate yarn that will have friends and acquaintances hanging on your every word.

iBWapp makes you as incredible a storyteller as Brian Williams. Image courtesy David Shankbone

iBWapp makes you as incredible a storyteller as Brian Williams.
Image courtesy of David Shankbone

Need to schmooze with upper management to secure a higher position or salary but only have an old chestnut from days gone by? Don’t sweat it—Bwapp it! Your nice, normal kid’s college application not sensational enough? Don’t worry—Bwapp it! Have an amusing story, but know it will never go viral? You know what to do—that’s right! Bwapp it!

Still unsure of the power of iBwapp? Take a look at these authentically remastered accounts, and you’ll be racing to the app store with your $1.29 in hand…well, on your credit card.

1. The Birth of a Child

Good Story:

My second child’s due date was upon me. It had been a restless, emotional day and at 9:30 p.m. as the snow and tears came down in equal measure, I resigned myself that today was not that day. But suddenly, it was. At the hospital, the baby wanted nothing to do with insurance forms, and by the time I was being wheeled to a room, she was on her way. The doctor made it just in the nick of time, and Jenny was born a few minutes later at 11:55 p.m.  Just 5 minutes more and she would have her own birthday date instead of sharing one with her mom. At some point during the proceedings, I must have hit the ON button of the TV remote because, suddenly, the room was filled with laughter and John Lithgow appeared on the screen talking to Jay Leno. It was a bit surreal, but what isn’t about childbirth?

iBWapped:

My second child’s due date was upon me. It had been a restless, emotional day and at 9:30 p.m. as the snow and tears came down in equal measure, I resigned myself that today was not that day. But suddenly, it was. We drove to the hospital in a blinding blizzard, stopping only when we were hit by a semi-tractor trailer and became part of a 45-car pile-up on I-95. With labor pains only 30 seconds apart, I jumped out of the car, and we hiked over the metallic mountain and on to the hospital. On Pequot Avenue I passed several bodies lying face down in a snow bank. I hadn’t seen bodies like that since my son and his friends made snow angels in the front yard the week before.

At the hospital, I was wheeled into the delivery room at 11:45—just in the nick of time. Imagine my delight when I discovered that John Lithgow was standing in for my regular GYN, and Jay Leno was standing by to tell jokes to help me breathe—Ha-Ha-Ha. Unfortunately, the baby was born at 11:55 p.m. Just 5 minutes more and I could have heard Jay’s big closer and Jenny would have her own birthday date instead of sharing one with her mom.

If I had to share this special day with two celebrities, these would not have been my choice, but John called it when he said, "You;re too far along for an epidural." Image of John Lithgow courtesy David Shankbone

If I had to share this special day with two celebrities, these would not have been my choice, but Dr. Lithgow did call it when he said, “You’re too far along for an epidural.”
Image of John Lithgow courtesy of David Shankbone

2. Childhood Injury

Good Story:

Once, when my sister was about 5 and I was 7, my mother took us to Burger King after our dance class. While she went inside to order, my sister and I stayed outside at the table. We were leaping from one cement bench to another when my sister slipped and hit her head on the edge of a bench.  I ran into the store to tell my mother. While my mother made a mad dash to our doctor about 30 minutes away, I had to hold a cloth to my sister’s bleeding head. Fear made me whiny and complainy, for which I received severe rebukes. Fortunately, my sister’s injury was not too bad, and the doctor fixed her up with several stitches.

WitLoveKath - Enough - Burger King Logo

Image courtesy Logopedia

iBWapped:

Once, when my sister was about 5 and I was 7, my mother took us to Burger King after our dance class. While she went inside to order, my sister and I stayed outside at the table. We were leaping from one cement bench to another when two robbers ran out of the store and knocked into my sister on their mad dash to their getaway car. My sister fell, hit her head on the edge of a bench, and became unconscious. Simultaneously while performing CPR and eating a cheeseburger, I threw my tap shoe at the fleeing felons and brought them both down in a heap right at the foot of a police officer. While my mother drove like a maniac toward home, I performed brain surgery in the back seat of the car with only Harper Valley PTA on the radio for anesthesia, saving my sister’s life. For these acts of heroism, I won the Nobel Prize for Medicine and was honored with a parade down Hollywood Boulevard. (Ok, so it was Hollywood (Florida) Boulevard. But that doesn’t have to come out until after the investigation.)

Who knew robbers were such a valued demographic? Image courtesy of supersizedmeals.com

Who knew robbers were such a valued demographic?
Image courtesy of supersizedmeals.com

3. European Vacation

Good Story:

In the summer of 2012 I traveled to London. I wasn’t there for the Olympics but we arrived a few days before the closing ceremonies. One afternoon in the lobby of the Marriott County Hall Hotel, I saw the United States Beach Volleyball champion Kerri Walsh. The next morning I rode the elevator with tennis player Andy Roddick, who, afraid, I suppose, that one of us would make a big deal of it, slouched in the corner with his hat over his eyes. And he was right, one of us was making a big deal of it—him.

iBWapped:

In the summer of 2012 I was part of the official American delegation to the Olympic Games in London, England and was a guest at the famed Marriott County Hall Hotel. There I bikini shopped with Misty May-Treanor (‘cause, really, who cares or ever hears about the other one?). Afterwards, I enjoyed a lovely afternoon at Buckingham Palace having tea and crumpets with Kate Middleton. While we played croquet she whispered the secret news the whole world had been waiting for (yes, this was 3 or 4 months before she found out herself, but it will take the fact-checkers awhile to catch up). The next morning I took a tennis lesson with Andy (if you’re expecting Roddick, you will be disappointed as this narrative is for winners only) Murray, who was soon to become the British Olympic champion. It was during this trip that I discovered my true voice and wrote my Pulitzer Prize winning novel, The Great Fat Lie.

Misty May knows her way around a bathing suit shop; Kate...well, she's perfect; and Andy struggles to return one of my awesome serves. All images courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Misty May knows her way around a bathing suit shop; Kate…well, she’s perfect; Andy struggles to return one of my awesome serves.
All images courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

4. Domestic Vacation

Good Story:

The kids had just been in the pool at the JW Marriott in Washington DC during a family vacation, and I was coming back from the concierge lounge with a few snacks. As I stepped into the elevator, the only other occupant, a tall, good-looking guy, said “hello.” It was Stedman Graham. We exchanged pleasantries and exited the elevator on the same floor.

Image courtesy of stedmangraham.com

Image courtesy of stedmangraham.com

iBWapped:

In 2008 while visiting Washington DC, I rode the elevator of the JW Marriott with Oprah.

Sorry, Stedman. iBwapp chooses the upgrade, not me. Image courtesy Alan Light

Image courtesy Alan Light

Now that you’ve experienced the eye-popping, jaw-dropping excitement of iBwapp, get it for yourself. Your life will never be the same again.

 

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SkyMall, say it ain’t so!

24 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Shopping, Technology, Travel

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

airline travel, humor, Shopping, SkyMall

The Internet and news sources are abuzz today with the tragic story, and I, too, with a heavy heart mourn the passing of another beloved comedy icon. Only hours ago it was announced that SkyMall will cease touring. SkyMall first appeared in 1990, plying its trade aboard puddle jumpers, regional airlines, and commuter flights, testing and revising its material to the amusement of audiences from coast to coast.

In 1992 it hit the big time when, as luck would have it, Johnny Carson, enroute to the Emmy Awards in which he won a statuette for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series, glanced through a few pages of this upstart entertainer, bought a bottle of newly launched Thierry Mugler “Angel” perfume, and stuffed SkyMall in his briefcase. After this fortuitous meeting, Skymall appeared with Johnny frequently and was invited to the much desired chair, even if it was in the…well…you know.

I think even Johnny would have been delighted with this SkyMall offering. All images courtesy of SkyMall.com

I think even Johnny would have been delighted with this SkyMall offering.
All images courtesy of SkyMall.com

As Ellen DeGeneres, David Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld, and many other comedians discovered, Johnny’s stamp of approval meant overnight success; and so it was for SkyMall. In 1992 SkyMall increased its profits 100% and became a regular performer in nearly every jumbo jet flying the friendly skies. And if the skies were unfriendly, SkyMall no doubt had a solution – or could help you think of one yourself.

This brain massager is just the thing to stimulate deep thoughts

This brain massager is just the thing to stimulate deep thoughts

Readers of my blog may remember my tribute to SkyMall in my post “Getting There is All the Fun?” Over its 25-year career, SkyMall has allowed me to laugh away elbows bruised by jostled drink trolleys, fears of sudden turbulence, irritation at guys who reclined their seats into my lap, and countless hours of boredom when I discovered someone had already done the crossword puzzle in the airline magazine. But now its wit and weird wisdom is going the way of the free bag of peanuts, the free carry ons, the free meals, the free headsets, the free blankets…well, it’s going away. Without SkyMall the friendly skies will be…

...a little alien.

…a little alien.

And air travel will be the poorer for its absence.

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How ’bout them Apple

20 Saturday Sep 2014

Posted by Kath Carroll in Geekery, Music, Technology

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple, iOS8, Songs of Innocence, U2

It seems a bit ironic that Apple, who forged its name with an ad smashing Big Brother, has now become Big Parent, telling us what we need and what’s best for us.

WitLoveKath - Apple Big Brother

WitLoveKath - Apple Big Brother II

In the new iOS8 update, the geniuses of Apple deemed that we don’t really want to delete those photos—you know the ones: of the floor, of your thumb, of the hair, facial contortions, and unfortunately placed lumps and bumps that make you exclaim in horror, “Do I really look like that?!”.

You thought they were gone, you thought you were safe from future embarrassment, but they’re baaaack—like Mark “Appalachian Trail” Sanford and the brawling Palins.

Really, I want you to forget. I just don't want you to forget me.

Really, I want you to forget. I just don’t want you to forget me.

See all those people? You can take 'em. I know you can!

See all those people? You can take ’em. I know you can!

And where are your pictures anyway? Instead of the easy-to-browse camera roll, the pics are now sorted into dated folders. I can’t even remember what I did yesterday, much less what day I took a particular photograph.

When my daughter Jenny updated her phone the other night, she suddenly realized that a third of her songs were gone—361 songs to be exact. After much fuming and angst, she ended up having to restore every song from her computer, even the ones she bought when she was 12 that remind her of when the “girl wars” began and that she never wants to hear again.

Speaking of songs she never wants to hear—what up with the “gifting” of U2’s new album? When it didn’t show up on her phone last week amid all the hoopla, Jenny figured she was safe (she sorta likes what she’s heard of some of U2’s previous albums, but they’re no “Awesome Mix Vol. 1” Guardians of the Galaxy sound track). Then  while she was furiously (and I mean angrily—not quickly) searching for Ed Sheeran’s The a Team, she discovered, instead, Songs of Innocence. She leveled me with a disgusted stare and announced, “Well, I got it,” as if she had suddenly been infected with Enterovirus 68.

WitLoveKath - Apple enterovirus 68

Enterovirus 68 or Sounds of Innocence--which would you rather have?

Enterovirus 68 or Sounds of Innocence–which would you rather have?

I told her it could have been worse. It could have been Robin Thicke. But it got us thinking about free Apple downloads we would like to see. Here’s a short list:

  1. A $1,000,000 bank error in your favor. Here would be a great use for that “undeletable” feature.
  2. Gender equality
  3. A bra that really fits
  4. Another Harry Potter novel
  5. A spray tan that looks realistic instead of turning users into terra-cotta warriors
  6. Photographs of every time you look really good
  7. All the SAT answers
  8. A rerun of the final How I Met Your Mother—with the right ending
  9. The return of Pushing Daisies
  10. This is an oldie, but don’t we all want?…double rainbows all the way

Anyone else want to join in? Leave a comment!

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