My eyes were riveted to the headline in the newspaper (which, as John Mulaney, comedian extraordinaire, would say, “is a very old-fashioned sentence”): Man Accused of Tossing Gator at Drive-thru. I didn’t have to wonder which state this happened in, just which town—but really aren’t all Florida towns as crazy as the next?
So I read on. It seems one Joshua James, age 24, tossed a 3 ½ -foot-long alligator into a Wendy’s drive-thru window at 1:20 a.m. and drove off after the employee handed him his drink. Of course, this begs the question: where did he get an alligator? Well, this is Florida, home of the NRA (No Registration for Alligators), so James just picked up his alligator on the side of the road.
Police later located James through video surveillance and a purchase at a nearby convenience store, where he had refilled his supply of Burmese pythons, brown recluse spiders, and fire ants. The cops charged him with assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill.
But was it all just a harmless joke? Joshua’s mother says yes. “He does stuff like this because he thinks it’s funny,” she said. It was just a “stupid prank.” She went on to assure the public that “he had no trouble turning himself in.” Florida residents can also comfort themselves knowing that he has been given a restraining order that includes “all animals.”
In the aftermath of this attack, membership in another NRA group (National Retaliatory Alligators) has shot up. After all, if everyone carried alligators, events like this wouldn’t happen.